Blog entry for:

but i did not want to stop getting high. just like my desire to use drugs, i may feel like doing something destructive, just because i want to, or as a reaction to some sort of feeling i may be having. if i am not willing to pay the price for acting on such feelings, i do not have to act on them. how does this all play together today? well one of my clients is trying to reassert himself at the top of the heap. sort of like when i was really working for him. he is so totally clueless as to where he fits in my food chain, that it is painfully funny. i FEEL like telling him to take a flying leap and moving on, after all, i waited for three months for him to get back on his feet before i moved on. that is on me, and not on him, and yet i want to punish him for my behavior. so what will i do? i will get his work mostly done this morning, i will ask for payment of my services today, and i will continue to allow him to think that somehow our relationship has not changed. where there once was power, there is no equality, i understand that, and i understand that i am angry over allowing the power to continue to affect me long after it was gone.
moving back towards the recovery side, as i look back over this day in history, at least in my history, this reading trips off a dreary journey down the memory lane of all sorts of feeling and their subsequent behaviors. i can see how i use the topic as a baseball bat, and probably have forever. the question is, is today the break in that chain? can i be more than i was last year, or am i doomed to push this particular rock up the hill only to slip near the top and have to start all over again? quite the quandary --

• feel my feelings and let them go
OR
• feel my feelings and act out to change them!

this is what will separate the man inside of from the boy. i get that today, and as i write this a feel a resolve coming over me, to be true to myself. IF my client NEEDS to believe that he has thew power to summon me at his beck and call, then there really is no harm to me, other than my bruised oh so delicate feelings. i can take his money, i can fit his work into the time i have and i can choose to take his phone calls when i have the time to do so. none of that is beyond my power this morning, or if i choose to move forward, ever again, just for today. i need not retaliate against perceived hurts, as i find my heart opening up to the principle of forgiveness, instead of bitterness; love, instead of hate; and acceptance, instead of resentment. as i allow those feeling to wash through me, and yes even knock me off my feet, i can get up, brush my self off and walk like a man, confident in the fact that doing so is an act of courage and acting out is an act of cowardice. today i want to live in courage and not cave into fear. so as i have a desktop full of stuff to do and get billing out for, i will head off into the dawn’s early light with a spring in my step and the notion of not only being more, but acting like that person i wish to become, at least just for now.

∞ DT ∞