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and how i choose to react to them, is certainly a topic worthy of my attention. so what do i mean by **negative** feelings as i have come to see all feelings as having the exact same value? for me, that means the feelings that i find unpleasant or just do not “like” to feel. when i am spiritually fit, i move into a state of neutrality about my feelings and allow myself to feel them and move on. with all the emotional upheaval that is going on in my life today, more and more, i finds a whole subset of of my feelings around my parents and their issues as they age, as totally unacceptable to me and i need to “change” them, so i can feel a bit better. i may not use, but i have an entire repertoire of other ways ti=o change what i feel, and i have been quite well practiced into diving into that bag of tricks.
i am not going to make any huge pronouncements or resolutions here and now. i am going to allow myself the opportunity to grieve and get out to where i can meet my peers and give them the opportunity to provide the support i need. today, is not the day to hide on-line and pretend i am holding up well. today is the day, i step out and touch somebody as best as i can in this “new normal” world. i know the reality of what is happening in my parent's home and running away from the feelings that i deem as unacceptable for me today, is not a great course of action. it does mean that i need to alter the plans i had for today, but as i got up from sitting this morning, i was certain that something needs to change today and that something is my routine.
what i do not need is for anyone to tell me to “buck up” and move along into the next phase of my reality, as it seems some members of my family have already done. just for today, i will accept that i may not walk on the sunny side of the street, but this too, will pass. i accept that my Dad is dying. i accept that he will get worse as the days pass. most of all, i accept that i will feel all the feelings that come from the so-called five stages of grief. i will survive and if i deal with and feel my feelings, i will not add any toxicity to some of my already strained relationships. i have swallowed that poison for long enough and just for today, it is time to let it go.

∞ DT ∞