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i must trade in my old cynical doubts for new affirmations of hope. when i do, i will find it is worth the risk. so here i sit, trying to tap dance around the fact that my bank has failed, moving my online payment accounts around and keeping track of balances in three different accounts, all the while making sure that i do not miss paying any bills, and as such i feel a bit overwhelmed this morning. what does that have to do with FEAR dominating my thinking in active addiction and early recovery? on the surface it would appear that there is no connection, however if i dive a bit below that seemingly placid surface, i can easily see the turbulence of FEAR roiling the apparently calm waters, just waiting to break the surface and unleash its maelstrom of chaos.
nice image for seven o’clock in the morning!
yes it is true, that even with some clean time, FEAR can be a constant companion. there are days i believe that FEAR is part of the human condition, and that the part of me that i call addiction, just took off with a perfectly normal and healthy human trait and blew it up in to something totally unrecognizable. it is only through the steps, and living a program, that is being reduced to its true purpose and relative importance in my life. it is true, that life in the real world means that i have to accept that there are plenty of things to be concerned about. global warming, racial and religious strife, economic failure, and on and on and on. not only that there are all sorts of personal issues, after all i am over 50, and what it there are serious health issues just waiting to be revealed. of course, there are the changes that are brought on by working the steps that were listed in the reading. so if i allow myself, i can turn into quite a neurotic pile of blubbering flesh, and not get anything done, nor have the desire to face another minute of living.
what do i do? well i accept that FEAR is always with me, i use the program to provide a framework to evaluate whether or not my current fear IS RATIONAL, and if it is, is there anything i can do to change the situation. what generally happens is that i discover either the FEAR is irrational, or the situation is beyond my power to alter. in either case, it than becomes time to surrender my fear into the care of my HIGHER POWER and walk forward secure in the knowledge that no matter what, i can live and stay clean.
so on that happy and HOPEFUL note, and not affirmation rather a statement of belief, i will move forward into this uncertain world, certain that i can continue to recover, and that i have the POWER to accept what life happens to pitch at me today!

∞ DT ∞