Blog entry for:

cynical doubts for new affirmations of hope. here comes the sun. Kum-By-Yah. oh yeah and when i hear hoof-beats i think unicorns, not zebras or horses.
yes, this line from today's reading certainly is not one that sits well with me, and once upon a time i would have thrown the whole notion that FEAR ruled my life and that recovery is a way to live in less FEAR, out because of it.
i am not a big fan of “musts” and even less of a fan of “affirmations.” honestly, i had to dig to find something to start this little exercise in brain dumpery off, and there this was, juicy and ripe for the picking. so what exactly is my issue(s) with the line above?on the face of it, it seems to be saying drink the Kool-Ade, take the soma and march along in blithe indifference with the rest of us. this sh!t works, do not worry how or why it does, after all, the less one thinks the better one will be. this has been my biggest problem since the day i first got clean, thinking about recovery and the why of it. it has only been recently that i have come to embrace cynicism as part of me, and celebrate the fact that is who i am. it seems that the world in general, and this reading specifically says that being a cynic is not a good thing. looking for the dark side in everything, as i have found, has helped protect me from a mountain of harm across the course of my life and certainly across the course of my recovery and being a cynic does not eliminate feeling HOPE. it just means, at least in my case, i have a clearer understanding of what it is, that i am getting into, as i have considered the places that may be obscured by clouds. replacing that little bit of discovery with affirmations seems so sheepishly wrong, that every fiber of my being screams in rebellion. i have come to believe that affirmations are a very sneaky way to twist the present into a lie to trick myself into feeling better. i can HOPE, even being a cynic, without telling myself i have HOPE. i can have doubts about what will and will not work, but still move forward with COURAGE and believe that in the long run i will get what i need. no affirmation there, just a statement of fact. the most bitter part of this particular line, when put back into context is that somehow FEAR is related to cynicism and a healthy respect of what may go wrong. for me, i worked A FEAR based program for many years, and as i moved into a HOPE based life of recovery, i was astounded by how much i had missed. the fact that i now embrace my cynicism, instead of party to have it removed, is a milestone of growth and cause for me to celebrate, as it fits into becoming the man i have always wanted to be. i need not tell myself to be HOPEFUL, i just can be, regardless of what it is i am feeling or how bad my day is going. when it comes to the “musts” of the program, the one i feel comfortable about is: just for today i will NOT use any dope, PERIOD! the rest of them, such as they are, apply on some level and i get it, after all i am no different than my peers. the fellowship does not require that i stop thinking, and had i been on the committee that wrote this particular passage, i would have made my opinion quite clear. the edit i would suggest would be:“we must replace our FEARFUL doubts, with the certainty of HOPE.”
anyhow, it is time to hit the road and get on down to work, and oh yeah, it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞