Blog entry for:

doubts for new affirmations of hope, or how i learned to deny who i may be! well not really, that is just an exercise of my dry cynical humor. the plain and simple fact is that i am coming to know who and what i am, and the HOPE i feel today, is a direct result of a program of recovery. the reading could be taken to imply that HOPE and FEAR, or HOPE and CYNICISM, are mutually exclusive. i think that is a simplification and a generalization. i have HOPE that i can stay clean today, and will do what i need to to work towards that goal. i fave FEAR that the current resident of Casa Blanca and his cronies are going to unleash something today, that will fVck my life up, and yet i will do what i can do to stay clean today. there, HOPE and FEAR working in me at the same time.
i do not live in a fantasy world where if i only think positive thoughts and picture myself rich and famous, that i will only attract “positive” people into my life,. or that my visualizations will become reality. nor do i look under my bed and in my closet every single night for the boogeyman of relapse. neither of those sets of behaviors are part of who i am. i do know that if i am open, respectful, caring and trustworthy, i will attract others into my life. i do know that is i do what i have done for a few days in a row, i will continue to get what i need to stay clean. being connected and open are “learned behaviors” for me, as that was not who i was when i walked into the rooms. the addict who is living in a groundhog day existence reminds me of who i once was and more importantly who i could once again be. i remember the loneliness i felt, when those in the fellowship did not batter down the walls i put in place and continually reinforced, to keep them out. of course, i acted “as-if” it did not matter to me, all the time building a resentment towards those fVckers and myself. i was afraid to let go of my terminally hip and fatally cool persona, because i did not think there was anything else there. i was afraid to let others into my life, because i was certain that pain would quickly follow. i was afraid that relapse would send me to prison, so i did all the suggestions, or appeared to take them, hoping against hope, that i could stay clean for long enough to get my FREEDOM back.
well, i got my FREEDOM back, as well as my self-respect, self-esteem, the ability to trust and be trusted and most importantly the ability to care and be cared for. just because against all HOPE i walked through my FEAR of becoming something less than i already was. i could go on and break into a chorus of Kum-By-Yah, as unicorns prance under a rainbow over a landscape filled with daises, but i am quite certain i have driven my point home I AM GRATEFUL that i have a program of recovery that allows me to be a fearful, cynical, HOPEFUL person that has more to offer than a sarcastic, ironical look at the events that comprise the life i share with others.
sure North Korea and the denizens of DC may drag th world into a war that no one wants, that does not mean i freeze my life and start heading for the hills, i cast my lot with m,y fellows, in the HOPE i sill see another day through, clean and a bit better than i was yesterday. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞