what if this recovery program does not work?
Posted: Sun, Apr 21, 2013 10:24:03 AM
the fear behind this thought and many in a similar vein, can still control my behavior, keeping me from taking the risks necessary to stay clean and grow. the old siren song of FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT. the government uses it to keep us from asking questions about what the war on terrorism is really all about. the 1 percenters use it to keep the rest of from seeing that they do not have our best interests at heart. most importantly, the part of me i call addiction uses it to keep me from succeeding in life.
it is true, i have been at nicer resorts, drinking better coffee, in much more exotic locales. it is also true, however, i have never been right here, or right now. this morning, sitting on my patio in Sedona, listening to the birds, writing about FEAR, has never been part of my experience. the part of me, i call the addict, wants to degrade this moment, as part of it's ongoing campaign of terror. if i enjoy and savor this moment, why would i change the path i am on. it is only because of my program of recovery, i AM here in Sedona, typing this out on a very expensive toy, and sitting in my jammies, on my patio, drinking coffee. honestly had i not been forced to start on this path, it is highly doubtful that i would have ever been able to have any sort of vacation like this. even with recovery, there is a FEAR, that when i get back, my job will be gone, because they will find out what a fraud i really am. FEAR feels like a constant companion some days. the only counter i have discovered is the core of my FAITH. that is today, that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is for me to stay clean today. that FAITH, that if i stay clean, do my best to live a program of active recovery and pay attention to what is going on around me, i will be given everything i NEED today, even if i do not know i NEED it and i may even get some of the stuff i want as well.
so it is time to shower off, shave and suit up and see what Sedona has to offer us today. FEAR? well i will think about that tomorrow. HOPE? yes i have HOPE that i can stay clean, enjoy myself and be a part of my life today.
it is true, i have been at nicer resorts, drinking better coffee, in much more exotic locales. it is also true, however, i have never been right here, or right now. this morning, sitting on my patio in Sedona, listening to the birds, writing about FEAR, has never been part of my experience. the part of me, i call the addict, wants to degrade this moment, as part of it's ongoing campaign of terror. if i enjoy and savor this moment, why would i change the path i am on. it is only because of my program of recovery, i AM here in Sedona, typing this out on a very expensive toy, and sitting in my jammies, on my patio, drinking coffee. honestly had i not been forced to start on this path, it is highly doubtful that i would have ever been able to have any sort of vacation like this. even with recovery, there is a FEAR, that when i get back, my job will be gone, because they will find out what a fraud i really am. FEAR feels like a constant companion some days. the only counter i have discovered is the core of my FAITH. that is today, that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is for me to stay clean today. that FAITH, that if i stay clean, do my best to live a program of active recovery and pay attention to what is going on around me, i will be given everything i NEED today, even if i do not know i NEED it and i may even get some of the stuff i want as well.
so it is time to shower off, shave and suit up and see what Sedona has to offer us today. FEAR? well i will think about that tomorrow. HOPE? yes i have HOPE that i can stay clean, enjoy myself and be a part of my life today.
∞ DT ∞