Blog entry for:

before i start, because i FEAR that i will fail, once again, is not the sort of mantra i desire for my life. i am not one of those who believe in the law of positive attraction nor do live in a world where i believe hard enough in something, it will manifest. i do, however, see that when i cynically believe that i cannot succeed at something, i probably will not. i believed that i could get more fit and through persistence and yes setbacks, that has become my reality. i did not sit on my ass and “manifest” a new body shape and level of fitness, i went out an earned it. i did not not go to “lots of meetings” and get the sort of life i have now, by listening to what my peers shared and by sharing platitudes about how “proud” i was of another day clean. no, i worked steps with a sponsor until they became the foundation of my life and that new manner of living was manifested. the list goes on and on. time and again, against all odds, i have done the work and received the results i desired, despite how much i feared failure. hell, even my last job, which was way over my skill level and ended in a termination, taught me a valuable lesson. so it is little wonder why i get so frustrated with those in my life, who do not attempt to stretch beyond the limits they have set for themselves. getting up to change which light is on, instead of asking for a “favor” may not seem like a big thing, but i have discovered that for me, doing lots of little things that i can do, has led me to being able to do things i never could do, like climb 14'ers.
oops, time to get off my soapbox. this morning as i sat, what i fear today was not what popped off the stack. in fact, nothing about my hopes and fears came bubbling to the surface. no, what i “heard” was that i was the tool of change in my life, by creating habits, i got to create a life that is beyond my wildest dreams. i have no regrets about what happened yesterday, as i reached out where i was wrong and admitted to my mistake, whether the recipient had any clue that was part of my living program or not, is really not my stuff. today, i get to pick-up something that has been “manifested” in my life, a pair of suit pants that has to be altered to fit my new reality. i may be clueless to what i weight, but i know how my clothes are fitting, or not. there may be those around me, who are blind to the changes in my life or that are so closed off emotionally that they lack thew ability to see beyond their own petty desires. some of them i can can disengage with, others i have to find the ways and means to tolerate, even though i am loathe to do so. just for today, i am not going to give up on doing just that, tolerating my way into acceptance.

∞ DT ∞