Blog entry for:

sitting here staring at the blank page this morning, i am wondering what in the world i should be writing about. the topic at hand is old ways and patterns of thinking, and how those affected me life and are still affecting the quality of my recovery today. but my mind seems to wandering down a whole bunch of unrelated topics having nothing to do with fear and more to do with loathing. although the two topics may be related in some manner, i am not quite sure where this will lead today.
so anyhow, one of my old ways to think was to do be an instant judge donno. the moment i met someone i would make assumptions about who and what they were based on the tiny amount of information i could gather. then i could figure out how to behave, and if they were worth my time to associate with. what that meant was, did they have anything i NEEDED or WANTED. sometimes i was after material things or substances to use. sometimes i was after improving my social standing. but most of the time it was about boosting my depleted self-esteem. the whole judge before i behave pattern of thinking was based on my fear that i would be similarly judged and found lacking, after all, i knew i was lacking many things, like the capability to be trusted, the ability to form meaningful relationships on any level, and the ability to walk down the street, confident in who i was. so the judge was based on FEAR and ruled with an iron fist. i could quickly morph into anyone i needed to be, just to fit in. i lacked any identity and hid that fact to the world in general. i never really felt comfortable in any group to which i was allowed to participate in, because the judge was always looking over my shoulder scrutinizing my words, thoughts and deeds, to ensure i was not about to mess up this particular relationship before i got what i needed.
i wish that i could honestly say that this behavior has been totally removed from my life, DAMMIT! although the need to be who i am not has been greatly diminished, it still rears its ugly head from time to time and i hear the voice of the judge echoing through the chambers of mind, reminding me that letting this or that person see who i really am will fuck up any chance to get what i need from them. at those time i am uncomfortable in my own skin, evasive to my friends, peers and family, and generally detached from the world, the fellowship and my connection to the divine. and that is how the reading fits in today -- i need to reconnect to the divine and ask for the willingness to change those old ways of thinking and find the means to release my fear of what you may be thinking about me. those answers are right in front of me however, i can be so obtuse at times as to be blind. all i have to do is accept that i am worthy of participating or i would not have got this far. believe that i am doing the best i can with the tools i have been given. and live up to that standard -- doing what i can to be the best i can--. everything else will take care of itself! and for this insane recovering addict that is more than enough!

∞ DT ∞