Blog entry for:

to stay clean, i must find the willingness to change my old ways of thinking.
these days , i find those old fears creeping back into my thoughts. well i should say fear in general, after all how can they be old fears when they are currently engaging my mind. i do know the impetus behind this back slide into fear,it is the internal changes that are being wrought by my current step work. i am afraid, irrationally so, that the changes that are going on, are going to leave as a person i will not be able to accpet. so my course of action is to apply my standard logic to the problem, and fight the irrational fear on the battleground of facts and evidence.
it is a fact that none of the changes that i have been through since my decision to live a life of recovery have resulted in me being a person who i liked less than before. in fact, each change has made me more accepting of who and what i am. so if that is the case, is it i am afraid of the pain of growth? well none of that pain has killed me yet, and in reality not growing is a whole heck of lot more painful these days than growing. the pain of growth is a temporary condition and the pain of not growing is permanent. or is it the thing i fear the most is that once more the part of me i call my addict will be defeated and have to slink away into the dark corners of my psyche, plotting and planning for yet another coup d’état based on irrational fear? that part of me, you know, the part i call my disease, is always there and even when defeated it does its best to keep the part of me that desires recovery and all of its attendant gifts on the defensive. well this morning i am going on the offense! i will walk through my fear, finish me step work this week and let the chips fall where they may fall. after all, to live in fear is no longer tolerable to me, so today it is time to accept what is tolerable to me, and that is the changes that are ongoing, and relish the fact that although i may not know where this journey is taking me, i will be pleased with the results once i get there. and for me, right here and right now, that is more than enough to banish my fear.

∞ DT ∞