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i must trade in my old cynical doubts for new affirmations of hope. this morning it was tough to get up and get moving, despite the fact that i have stuff to do. i did not sleep well, one of those nights when i could not shut down, probably had to do with way to much espresso, yesterday evening, so it goes. in days gone by, i could have and probably bitched and moaned about how unfair life was and where was the justice in being tired but unable to get some restful sleep. although it may seem that is exactly what i am doing this morning, the fact is, that i understand, that sorry state was the result of my own actions, and even though i KNOW that caffeine late in the day MAY lead to such a result, i CHOSE to have the beverage when i was meeting with my sponsee. the only blame, if any, that needs to be assigned is to me, for choosing a path that may have consequences that are undesirable. the HOPE? well for one, i GET to make such choices these days, instead of being FORCED to make decisions based upon the NEEDS of the part of me i call addiction. the FEARS that ruled my life in active addiction, are being eliminated one by one, as i get further and further away from my last use, and become more willing to allow the program to take over my life. ironically, at a meeting the other night one of the participants asked if i was just trading my drug addiction for a program addiction. without a doubt an very interesting question. the answer to that question might be a yes, if i was so totally absorbed in appearing to be compliant with the principles of the program, instead of taking action to incorporate the program within my daily life. living by default is no longer part of what i want to do, nor i living in the world of cynicism and fear that i came from. of course, one might say, that the real world is tough, and one would be correct. one might also observe that there is no day in the future where i will stop being an addict, and once again one would be correct. despite those facts, i look to a brighter future for myself, BECAUSE i am building a spiritual self that comes closer to the vision i have of the man i wish to become. even though there is little chance of becoming that person, i can some so close to that ideal, that the difference is imperceptible. when i look at my recovery as a mathematical function, limit of the function y = 1/x is 0 as x approaches ∞, where x is the amount of effort i put into my recovery and the number of days away from my last use. the hope is that it is my effort and not some random unknown set of circumstances that will allow me to be that man. i believe that this morning and the time has come to head back to work. it is an excellent day to stay clean.

∞ DT ∞