Blog entry for:

among the artifacts left behind, when our house-guest fled the safety of our home and our apparently draconian boundaries was a sample of their step work, outlining their greatest fears. it was more than illustrative of what they believed and echoes my state of mind, way back when. some of the scenarios they postulated, were once part and as i consider why they decided to take off, rather than face reality, my sympathy and empathy for them, has grown. getting clean and learning to take responsibility for my life was one of the most fear-ridden risks i ever took. i know today, that had i not had a Sword of Damocles poised above my head, i probably would have never made it through those fears and into active recovery.
as i sat this morning, i considered quickly moved on from what i once feared, into what i fear today. the cynical realist that i purport to be, still wonders what power i have over the world in a pandemic and what the “new” normal is going to look like. it is hard for me to be grateful to have a job that is going away and now has to justify all the time i spend working with paperwork, wondering if it is going to be enough to stave off an early exit. part of the reason i “volunteered” to assist the huge roll-out of new agents that my company is on-boarding over the next six days, was a cynical ploy to gain a bit of employment capital. there was absolutely no altruism in that decision, it was pure self-interest and was calculated to give me an advantage over my co-workers, although being the last man standing in this race, may not be an admirable achievement.
when i seek to replace FEAR with FAITH, i find myself coming up against the seemingly unmovable barrier of COVID-19 and the less than stellar performance of the Executive branch of our current government. i want to believe that in the long run, that government will be replaced by one that is a bit more responsive to the needs of all its citizens and not beholden to the top 1%. i know that scenario is unlike, as all politics seems to be the set-up to favor those who need it the least, just as the monies that were supposed to sustain small business was gobbled up by banks, hedge funds and corporate giants. it amazes me that i am being told to make do with what i have,m when some of the biggest corporations are flailing around and declaring bankruptcy after six weeks of “hard times.” as i step out into the real world this morning and take control of something i do have a bit of power over, my fitness, i will remember that the promise of FREEDOM was from active addiction and IF i live a program of active recovery, i can have a modicum of FAITH, that things will work out and i will get what i NEED. oh yeah, where do i line up to get paid to take a barrel of oil, i will take 1,000,000! 🤣

∞ DT ∞