Blog entry for:

well i woke-up this morning pissed-off about someone else‘s lack of appreciation and gratitude for something i did for them and have spent the last hour twisting about it. the only conclusion i can come to is that is just the way he is and to expect anymore from him is unproductive and not worth my time. i also have come to the conclusion that the only way i will have a healthy relationship with him is not to. unfortunately for me, i do nothing without some expectation of return. i do service to my fellowship because i have a debt to those who were here before me. i do step work because i expect the work to keep me clean. i sponsor because i get to be involved intimately with another addict‘s recovery, i get to see them grow and become people that were beyond their wildest dreams. i form and maintain friendships because i get affection, attention and love in proportion with the love, attention and affection i give. i maintain and grow my relationships with the family i was born into because i am grateful for the love and attention they gave me when i was incapable of loving myself. i show-up at work and do my job because they pay me to do so.
and yet, there are still some areas in my life where the old ways of thinking still prevail. i do favors for acquaintances because i am afraid of being judged if i say no. it is this behavior that i am really angry at -- my inability to say no because i still want to be held in the highest regard by everyone in my life. the true insanity in this, is that even though i know this person will not express any gratitude for anything i may do for him, i still give, and then once again i get to wallow in self-righteous anger over once again being used. -- doing the same old shit and expecting different results --
well just for today i will let go of the anger i feel that i am entitled to and move on. hopefully i will remember that when asked to give something, that it is my choice to to say yes or no, and that i may not get anything back in return. is there any fear around moving in this direction? yes -- i may not ‘look’ like the spiritual giant i think i am if i say no, but the truth is that unless i learn to say no and stick to it i actually will not grow into the man that GOD intends me to be.
∞ DT ∞