Blog entry for:

discovery, arrest, incarceration, financial problems, homelessness, overdose, and illness. despite all of that, i still used, medicating my fears away, so once again i could become comfortably numb.
early recovery, was not much different, in fact, huge stretches of the time i have been clean, and even in active recovery have been dominated by FEAR, and let me tell you something, living life, working a FEAR-based program is an exhausting, thankless task.
the irony here, is that from the very first meeting i walked into, there was a solution presented to me, to move beyond living in constant FEAR, as pig-headed as i am, that solution was untenable the first time i heard it, and just as water dripping on a rock, will eventually cause the rock to erode away, the members here kept presenting me the same solution, until i finally decided that to survive i would need to accept one or two of the basic premises, that have become the foundation of my program of active recovery.
what was that solution, way back when, or better put, what is that solution today? why it is the spiritual concept of FAITH!
honestly when i allow FAITH to replace FEAR, in my life, i am that much more calm and placid, and yes even happy joyous and free. i can see why Marx called religion the opiate of the masses, when i walk around in pure FAITH, everything is according to some plan beyond my ken, and each and every event is just another lesson for me to learn, that is all part of that plan. i, however, have yet to reach that state, and have to deal with the nastiness of the real world intruding on my state of grace. even if i could achieve that state and remain in it all the time, i often wonder if that is what i really want. it certainly is not part of my vision for myself, as i do not see myself becoming some sort of recovery guru or saint, way too much pressure there! well, let me rephrase that last statement, i DO NOT, AT THIS TIME SEE MYSELF BECOMING… that may not always be the case and perhaps the POWER that fuels my recovery has a different vision for me, but that has yet to be revealed.
what i do get, when i allow FAITH that this program of recovery will work for me, to replace the FEAR of the consequences of active addiction or mere abstinence, is another day clean, the ability to tolerate, and accept all those i run into and most importantly accept and love me, the core of my troubles and yet the source of my happiness. this is truly an inside job, and just as FEAR rots me away from the core, FAITH burns that decay out and replaces it with something better than ever, HOPE!
HOPE, my friends, is what drives my program today. for me, it is much easier to move into a HOPE-based program, rather than a FAITH-based one, for all sorts of reasons, that need not be gone into this morning. HOPE is the force that keeps me coming back and coming back clean. it has always been a part of my program, even before i had a program, it was just overshadowed by my FEAR in those days between my first meeting and when i finally accepted recovery as a way of living, instead of just the means to get off paper. part of that is treating myself with a little bit of kindness, and allowing myself to become the person i have always wanted to be. right now that is the leaner, more fit version, so off to the streets i go, to burn off some of those calories i have consumed over the past twenty-four. it is a great day to take care of myself and walk in FAITH that i am on the right path.

∞ DT ∞