Blog entry for:

fear can still control my behavior, keeping me from taking the risks necessary to stay clean and grow. as i sit and ponder the difference between what i feel about this reading today and in the past, i have come to one conclusion, i am moving beyond a program based in FEAR and into a program based on HOPE. i am loathe to admit that over the course of my recovery, FEAR of relapse has been one of my main motives for staying clean. i was afraid that if i did not do exactly what was suggested to me back when i was noodling around with recovery and even after i finally got clean and decided that i was worth recovery, that i would relapse and the consequences of relapse would be totally unacceptable to me. i still believe that the consequences of my relapse would be unacceptable, no FEAR there just certainty BUT i am arriving at a place where i can choose to do those simple things on a daily basis just because those tasks allow me to stay clean. if i do not stay clean than there is hardly any HOPE for growth in my recovery. do not misread what i am saying, i am far from being some sort of recovery guru or even close to be cured. i am however not afraid to take some risks and allow myself to grow through the program of recovery i have been given to this moment. does that mean FEAR of taking a risk and opening myself up to my sponsor or a closed-mouth friend have faded into obscurity? if only! it does mean that i am more willing to risk doing something for my recovery rather than twist and turn about the things i cannot change, especially those parts and pieces of me. it also means that i can face my fears with a teensy-weensy bit of courage and HOPE that the outcome will be benefical to my growth in recovery, and that is, now that i think about it, quite a shift in perspective.

∞ DT ∞