Blog entry for:

in active addiction however, i used most of my energy into spinning excuses and rationalizations for failure. okay, i wanted to put a positive spin on what has been a trying week. all of a sudden, my most desperate client is becoming my most demanding, and i find myself frustrated all the time. i could go on and on and vent my frustrations here and now, but as i started to go there, i suddenly was overtaken with a feeling of how wrong that might be for me. not that he actually reads what i write here, nor am i concerned about what someone who may read this space may tell him. as i am unsure about what is happening within me, i am living in the moment and surrendering to the feeling rather than moving forward in self-will. if it feels wrong, the chances are good that it is wrong, at least right here and right now.
so as i think about where i am today, contrasting that with where i was when i came to recovery, and putting that comparison in the context of the thesis of the reading today, i am amazed about what i see. i see a man, who was a shell of a person, devoid of many of the higher functions and feelings, who has been restored to his humanity. i see a man, who walked in the twilight of a self-induced fog, capable and willing to face reality most of the time. i see a man who had given away his dreams, ambitions, and aspirations to the need to get high, now successful at his chosen career and for the most part happy with where his life is going today. i see a man who separated himself from friends and family, now having the desire to be present for his friends and family, regardless of the cost. i see a man who was untrustworthy and unreliable, suddenly capable of being trusted and of being responsible for the wake his actions or inaction leave upon the world.
so i am sure that i have used this space before to whine about no new dreams now that i accomplished what i have accomplished, and as i think back on that, there is still nothing concrete i want to do and what sort of dreams are in my conscious self, however, there are glimmers of dreams that i have yet to quantify and qualify, and by being present for what is going on inside of me, such as diverting from my first instinct when i started this particular ditty, those dreams may be realized before i am conscious of them.
so before i quit this particular semi-random brain dump, i do need to acknowledge one of the men i sponsor:

Happy THIRD ANNIVERSARY of you clean date COTY B
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your recovery!

so off to the races and into this new and existing day.

∞ DT ∞