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and rationalizations for anything and everything i thought might make me **look** bad, was how i lived for quite some time, even after getting a minute clean. the truth is that i lost my dream job because i did not apply myself to it, with the sort of passion they were asking for. no spin or excuses, that loss was on me and me alone. what it did teach me, however, is that i NEED to apply myself to my current opportunity and not just do the bare minimum to just get by. i know all about living a life in mediocrity and just getting by. i have been there, done that and certainly have more than one of the T-shirts. looking back over my life t the number of opportunities i squandered, it is a wonder how i can come out of my fog of denial with any sense of HOPE. i have to admit, some days it is tough to get up, put on my big boy pants and commence adulting for the day.
this morning, as i consider how to handle my lock-down, i know i have everything i need to be a success. i have the desire to be a better employee and certainly a better developer. i have a workspace in my backyard that will allow me to enjoy a cigar, as i gaze longingly at the world outside my home. i have the ability and the desire to get outside and exercise, so rather than being restricted to where i can go, i am looking forward with expanding my boundaries to where i can. of course, Kathy may just have the flu and not COVID, so my preparations and plans for isolation may be for naught.
coming back around to theme of living my best life, through my own efforts, i am struck by something one of my peers shared the other night. they spoke of someone telling them that they are someone to emulate. at the time, i thought very little about it and until right now, it just was floating around in the ether that fills my head. as it surfaced just now and as i sat, i wondered why someone would need to share something like that. to me, it feels self-serving and more than a bit of an ego boost. since i cannot get into the head of my peer, i will have to comment on what sort of circumstances would make me, share that sort of thing. when i desire outside approval, i look for the smallest clues and blow them up, way out of scale. living as i did, in the land of excuses and unmet potential for as long as i did, warped my sense of self and my value. the dreams that have been coming to life over the past year or so are those of being self-realized, confident in who i am and leaving behind my need to get approval form everyone around me. that dream is becoming reality when i stop looking for what was and start living in the what may be.
this day, stuck at home as i may be, is not a bad day. i have work to do, i have a call with a friend and peer to enjoy and i GET to get out and exercise in the urban outdoors that surround my home. i am also certain that i am on the correct path towards fulfilling the lost dream of being certain of who i am and taking pride in that person, warts and all. it is a good day to be on a journey and the time has come to pay attention to what is around me and to stop worrying about where i will end up, after all, we all end up in the same place, sooner or later. 😜

∞ DT ∞