Blog entry for:

the many opportunities life presents to me.
lost dreams awaken.
i can do anything i want with this new life i have been given.
i did not dream i was an addict when i was growing up.
the number of lines that i hear rolling around in my noggin this morning is telling of how this particular reading affects me. there are days when i wish a whole lot o\\f stuff was different than what it was, and even from time to time is. yeah, it would be nice to be young, fit, good looking and rich, but the reality is, those days, at least the young one were squandered finding the ways and means to get more. the fact is, when i see my life today, it really is a good one, and certainly one that i never ever dreamed would become reality. in fact, more than once, back in the day, i had a vision of myself being a very old man, toking away while rocking on the porch of a long-term care facility. that particular nightmarish existence, could still come true, if i make choices to facilitate that path. the fact is, the ONLY dream that is fulfilled for all members, is the dream of not using, just for today. the gifts that i and many of my peers have received including the cessation of the desire to use, are elusive for many, and it make me wonder what it is about me that makes me different.
where i go with that notion, the fact that for some of my peers, the desire to use is still present, even after a few years clean, is that maybe i am not an addict after all. i cleaned up and cleaned up well. i moved forward into an amazing life and for the most part, the desire to return to my old manner of living has left me. i have reached the point where the only “romantic” part of that life, is remembering how getting high made me feel, even though i am probably making it seem way better than it really was. anyhow, where i was going, with the notion of the minority report was here, maybe they are the “real” addicts and i just had a “drug problem” that i needed to grow out of. or even better, once i cleaned my system out of that chemistry and fundamental change took place within my physical body that eliminates my inherent dependence on getting high. sophistry at its best and without a doubt, the road to perdition, at least for me. that sort of thinking is certainly telling and symptomatic of the parts of me that are still untreated and raging quietly out of control, sort of like the coal mine fires that dot the local landscape. the only clue they are still burning after a century or so, is the forever green spots on the landscape or the occasional sinkhole, that opens up and swallows a car or two. addiction, like those fires, is still active in me, just better at hiding than it was back in the day.
dreams, aspirations and ambition are my foils to the addict that is me. being clean and free from the fantasy that somehow i can return to the using life, and keep what i have, is where i am ending up today. yes, it is true, that i have a life that i once could only envy. it is also true, however, this life is the result of me being awake and present and taking the opportunities that i was presented with, as they came down the pike. i often wonder, how many did i miss, before i arrived in the present tense, and feel a bit of remorse over what i never saw. today, i WILL, to the best of my ability, see what i can see and choose to be present and awake for the opportunities that come my way.

∞ DT ∞