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not go the euphoria my next fix would bring. well that might be a bit of hyperbole, i probably should add, the relief getting of getting laid, the thrill of getting away with something and adrenaline rush of my next risky behavior. i was a multi-faceted addict it seems, but in reality all of those various “dreams” were all about escaping the drear, mundane existence of living life on its own terms. my life as a using addict was neither glamorous or notorious, and why i used to wax nostalgically about how “good” i thought it was, is far, far beyond my ken today. in truth, being a slave to my addiction sucked, plan and simple. i had to get clean to get a college degree, a career, a house, a car and learn how to love and be loved. even today, at times, i seem to pine for the “simplicity” of a life where getting from one fix to the next was all i had to be concerned about, relationships, career, jobs, and recovery itself, introduce certain complexity to my life that was lacking in the decades of active addiction and even though the rewards of a living the life of my dreams are amazing, they can, at times be a bit overwhelming.
it has been more than a bit of a bumpy ride emotionally for me, the past few weeks. i was going to go on about why, but that has already been explained time and again. when all is said and done, i was just being a big baby about my expectations not being met. ironically, when i was using, the only expectations i had was about my dealers giving the good stuff and leaving the shite for someone else. in truth, as gratitude ekes out the mountain of resentment i have towards my former employers and the fears, uncertainty and doubt i have to my new ones, i feel less, well less sick and twisted and life does not appear to be so drear. resentments, suck, PERIOD. the time and energy i put into to being pissed off has not advanced my station in life one iota.i have to remember that i need to be present when the opportunities to get what i NEED and what i may WANT, arrive. otherwise they are often lost forever, or at least deferred for quite some time, which of course leads to yet more resentments and disappointments.
life today? well it may not be a thrill ride, by any means. what happens in a day may of may not be to my liking, but even so, it is better than living in thrall to addiction. i GET to have a dream or two. i GET to have a few realistic expectations and i GET to have the HOPE, that i can stay clean for this slice of twenty-four hours and make the decision to do so tomorrow, as well.
as always, there has to be a cloud on the horizon, else one might believe that i have been drinking some grape Kool-Ade. it takes a bit of effort today, to look at this cynically, but with a bot of imagination i certainly can. first and foremost, i am not quite certain what my dreams are today, as most of the things i would whine about as i got more and more toasted, have become realities. i have the life i used to deride and secretly envy. today i am not sure where this journey is leading me and i can be okay, moving into infinity and beyond, without a road-map, guide book or travelocity reviews. that in and of itself, is certainly a move in the right direction. i do hate examining what i am powerless over, but as i sit here in STEP ONE, it is becoming clear, that it is still my feelings and how i react that is the issue, and not what comes barrelling down the pike at me. fitting my impressions and feelings into this “newish” spiritual path and learning to allow that path to guide me, is the task at hand and the one i am starting to see as the direction to get rolling on, in this iteration of the STEPS. it is a good day to be clean and get moving into doing the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞