Blog entry for:

pursue my ambitions, however big or small they happen to be today, is a consequence that i not only am grateful for, but one that i want to facilitate. just for today.
starting off on such a **positive** note, i may just have to sling a bit of mud around, just to feel **normal,** i do, after all, have an image to uphold and being all Little Miss Sunshine, does not fit the bill. 😁
what i “heard” as i sat, was maybe, just maybe i am missing the point when i feel i have to ALWAYS find the cloud on the horizon, the fly in the ointment and lower my expectations to the lowest common denominator. which is certainly a different take on what i generally see. i have often said that when i walked through my sixth step on my last go around, i came to accept that i am judgemental and cynical, and i have embraced those traits, celebrating them as it were, rather than doing my best to suppress and bury them. i am now coming to believe that maybe i let that pendulum swing a bit too far back, and i need to restore a bit of balance to who i feel i am and behave accordingly. sort of the Law of Attraction on a very personal and micro scale. i can be accept my judgemental cynicism as part of who i am, and not necessarily spew my dark take on life on its own terms, to all who happen to cross my path. in fact, that certainly feels as if that is part of my current version of insanity, specifically in order to be honest and genuine, i need to display all that i am, to every single person who happens to blunder across my path, without absolutely no restraint or discretion. the balance i seek is not in that insanity and recognizing that, is the first part of finding the path out of that unbalanced version of who i am.
the question then becomes, what are my ambitions today? that in and of itself, is quite a question. sure fostering my journey of becoming the sort of human being i have always wanted to be, is on that list, but other than that, i am mostly clueless about these days. getting fit and being able to what a man my age, should be able to do, is on that list as well, in fact i have become obsessive about getting better looking, inside and out and although i am quite anxious about what the doctor may tell me on Monday morning, i know that i am moving in the correct direction, towards being healthier, spiritually and physically. looking for the balance between obsessing about whether i have “man boobs” or working towards a goal of having the ability to run six ten minute miles, is quite a difference. that sort of dichotomy exists within me and learning to balance who i really am, with who i think i need to show the world i am, feels as if it too, is part of my second step.
not quite where i thought i would be going this morning and now that i have been there, i am coming to believe that maybe what i think i see, is not necessarily what i am actually seeing. i am being blinded by the smoke and mirrors of what others are doing, or not doing and missing the point, that i need an outside FORCE to restore me to balance and sanity and allowing that FORCE to work, is certainly a step back into the real world and out of the fantasy i have constructed, just for today.

∞ DT ∞