Blog entry for:

as my addiction progressed, everything i ever wanted for myself was cast away. my dreams could not go beyond the next drug and the euphoria i hoped it would bring. this morning before i get going into the whole lost dreams awaken gig, i need to mention on to the men i sponsor, who has started to learn how to live his dreams:

Congratulations on FOUR years clean,
Coty B, YOU ROCK!

so on with the mind dump. i have always hated when someone says that addiction took this or that from them. even worse when they say that their‘addict’has robbed them of their dreams. well i should not say always, as this used to be one of my favorite spins on the mess my life had become when i was an active addict. honestly about the time i finished my second sixth step, it began to sink in that it was not some external force or alien within that happened to sneak in and steal from me. no, it was me, that consciously gave away whatever i cherished most,, to get what i thought i NEEDED most, which was instant relief from life in the real world.
so as my desire to do the work to achieve my dreams was channeled into getting and using and finding the means to get more, i hardly noticed, or more likely hardly cared, after all, there was always tomorrow. that tomorrow never came, and i used and used and drifted further and further in the twilight world that i created. the worst part, as i look back from the perspective of a bit of clean time and some step work was the willingness i showed to let my dreams go in the pursuit of that next high. that sad realization, reinforces my understanding of what i am, and what i can once again become. I AM A RECOVERING ADDICT. i can choose to become an ACTIVE ADDICT again. i can once again, give my dreams short shrift and return to a life where my dreams go no further than getting enough to use, which as i know never will happen, not the getting, i can do that, the enough part, as there is never enough.
as i sit here this morning, well in my routine and happy that things are going according to my plan of the day, i can take the time to be grateful that my dreams have been reawakened and some of them fulfilled. if i continue to do what has worked for me, i can even begin to dream of things i never dared to dream before, but that is a topic for another day. the time has come to hit the pavement and get rid of the excess calories and energy i have accumulated over the past three days. it is after all a good day to be in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞