Blog entry for:

what i heard this morning was all about the energy i consumed to justify, rationalize and excuse the crap that i did in active addition. having used that as a seed in the not so distant past, i decided to go another direction, but it is all related.
so now i have run into two different using and relapsed addicts, who were once a part of the local fellowship who basically said that what they did, did not matter, and no matter what they did, i should not take it personally, because it says so in the book. i mean really, WTF, since when do i get to be released from the consequences of my bad behavior? it is true, that i am not responsible for my addiction, but what i do to those i love? well that certainly would be a nice out, no reason to ever work steps eight or nine, as i ham hereby absolved of anything i did, to anyone, especially those i care about the most, when i am in active addiction, nice work when you can get it!
moving on, so the continuing saga of doing the next right thing, continues. i went and saw the addict yesterday and once again it was a need fest and can you! well, i finally decided to tell that person that what they did hurt me, and yes i am taking it personally! of all the fVcking arrogance, do not take the disrespect, abuse, manipulation and the wasted resources personally. when i got home last night, i wrote that addict a very blunt letter, and told them what i felt. i am sure their reaction to my very brutal honesty will raise their blood pressure a few points, but it is time, i let them know exactly what they did to me, and how it affected me. if i hear one more “i am sorry” out of their mouth, i think i will scream!
which brings me back to the here and now, what does all this venting about what someone did or did not do, have to do with the idea that my old dreams need not die? what i am beginning to feel, now that i am letting go of my pain and misery, is that was once me. i may not have been so needy that i would rather hang with those who i used with, but i could not accept that the damage i did was anything i was responsible for, at any time. i needed to be constantly bailed out, emotionally and financially and had stopped caring about anyone else but me, i was an island unto myself and acted like that. people sucked, so i was better without them in my life. as lonely as that sounds, and it does sound depressingly lonely, i had the drugs to salve those feelings of being lonely and alone. since i did not care for anyone else, i could not allow anyone to care for me. my family? well the last thing i wanted them to see, was what sort of sorry state i was in and i did my best to keep them away. the dream that did not die, was that one day i could care and love again, and most importantly allow myself to be loved and cared for, and that has come true in spades. the reason i hurt so much is that my friend, cannot see the pain he inflicts and i have nothing to ease that pain, i have to live through it. him? well his relief is just a dose away. for me? it will fade as i get further away and perhaps fall back on the familiar behavior of “ex-ing” out of my life. or maybe this is my opportunity to live through the pain and not resort to that nuclear option.
anyhow, time to make the donuts, it is a good day to be clean and thanks for letting me puke a little bit this morning.

∞ DT ∞