Blog entry for:

from the very beginning of our recovery, my Higher Power has been the force that has brought me freedom. just when i thought i was going to get a break from the whole HIGHER POWER issue, BAM here it comes again. what i feel this morning is that the POWER that keeps me clean, may not be loving and caring, but certainly is benevolent, and acts in a manner that appears to this mere human, with my very limited understanding of how the universe really works, as being loving and kind. i do not possess the intelligence nor the language to describe it any better. i know that may sound like a cop-out, but i cannot refute the evidence of that POWER across the course of my active using, my addiction in abstinence, and my active recovery. the only other explanation is totally random chance that just happened to along the events in my life preceding my recovery to allow for me to be ready when i finally came her, and while it is tempting to go that direction, there is just so much FAITH i can put into such a chain of coincidences occurring from when i started using until this day, so i will go with the HIGHER POWER and leave at that.
cleaning up the old business, time to move on to the new. regular prayer and meditation.
actually, it was prayer that has been, up until yesterday that is, my stumbling block in my new view of the divine and my relationship to my concept of a HIGHER POWER. if that POWER lacked anything resembling human characteristics, why and how would it listen to my prayers? what i had to do is start looking for a different way of praying, that fit this new paradigm, and after two months of searching, trying out new stuff, and talking to others, i have arrived at a manner of praying that not only feels comfortable to me, but fits in this new world view of mine. there really is no need for me to go into what that form is, i am after all circumspect in many parts of my life, despite all appearances, except to say that it is far different than how i was taught to pray, and quite a bit different than how i was praying six or seven weeks ago.
i do need to elaborate on this discovery process a bit. when i found out what i really believed in, and that prayer in that current form was not going to work for me, i was aghast. and yet, i continued to pray using the old form out of habit, fear or just because. i have relied on prayer,, even in the rote form that it was. since i first got clean, and to just abandon it because of a paradigm shift, felt so wrong to me, that i muddled through using that tried and true method until i could work my way through to what it need to be for me. today when i say my prayers, i do feel connected, and the action does provide me with a warm secure feeling. whether or not a HIGHER POWER is listening has become one of those silly "how many angels can dance on the head of a pin," sort of questions. fun to look at and argue, but in the long run, totally pointless.
anyhow, i could go on and on and on about this whole topic, but i will start wrapping it up with this thought -- as i ask for what i think i need and as i listen for what i need to do, prayer and meditation is the means i have to connect with the divine, daily practice is the only way that communication will be facilitated and for me, it a necessary component of my daily routine. i hope that i never get so recovered (read jaded and complacent) that i stop thinking of them as integral to my daily ongoing recovery. so off to see if i can find the 10K loop this morning,. it is a good day to be in recovery.

∞ DT ∞