Blog entry for:

the strength, and the courage to live life as an addict in recovery, where the heck does all of that come from. the answer in the past would, of course, be an echo of the reading this morning, GOD. i use that term., willingly and by choice today, in order to speak to my peers and not promote my difference in the one arena where i am given total freedom and even encouraged to find my own path, even if that path is “different” than most of my peers. and it certainly is!.
there is within me, a strength to face what i once could not even think about, and as i think back to active addiction, i would be hard put to find any evidence of that sort of strength within me. i have come to believe that the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides me the means to be a better me, and that “better” me, has the courage to face what i need to face and stay clean, just for today. i am often amazed when i look back over the corpus of this exercise and see how i have changed in my outlook, about the mystical, the divine and the nature of GOD. as my belief structure was dismantled and replaced by a less rigid belief system, i became softer in many aspects of my life, and certainly more firm in others. most notably, finally owning that i was an addict and nothing known to humankind is ever going to change that. that is a fact of life and the fake news, at least for this addict, is that i can stay clean and thrive without the help of a supporting fellowship and the power of GOD. i GET to stay clean because of that support and that POWER, i get to have a life that i once envied because i GET to stay clean. in living that life i GET to go to work, deal with mortgage bankers, listen to the whines of the self-entitled and self-entitled and provide nuggets of my experience, strength and hope to those who ask. what was once beyond my ken, the need and desire to stay clean today, is now just part of who i am, and i embrace that gift with all my heart.
i can certainly echo the reading, as it actually does apply in my life. the FREEDOM i get today, is a direct result of working a program and fostering a conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery. as i am now in the process of finding out, what it is in my spiritual malpractice that is automatic and what it is i CHOOSE to do, i am quite amazed that what i once thought was, may never have been. what i once thought was selfless service, was selfish self interest. what i once thought was humility was actually false pride and dishonesty. what i am seeing is that i am a master manipulator of my own opinion of myself and that only through the FREEDOM from active addiction and the benefits that flow from that, do i even get a chance to see who and what i really am.
i could go on and really want to, however i need to move along so i can arrive at work early and prepare for a very early meeting. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to move forward with my decision to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to care for the will and the life of this powerless addict, just for day.

∞ DT ∞