Blog entry for:

the direction, the strength, and the courage, i need to recover on a daily basis. those gifts are available to me, because i practice regular meditation and have yet to give up on prayer. sitting here on my THIRD STEP, i am seeing a bit of utility in daily prayer. for those few brief moments i acknowledge that the ability to stay clean does not come from within me, and i NEED an outside influence, to provide that strength.as much as i would love to beat the drum about how healing and cleansing, regular prayer and meditation are for me, it really is not where my head is this morning, so time to move along.
what is on my mind this morning is self-forgiveness, and as i will be sharing at my home group in ninety minutes or so and at another group tomorrow, i could pull the plug on this topic right here and right now and move along as well. what i am going to do instead, however, is write down a few of my thoughts about what is the payoff for me, if i choose to hold on to what i have done and not find the means to forgive myself. many of my peers speak of the steps as their guide to uncovering the reasons they chose to use. long ago, i let go of needing to have that question answered as i realized that i may be the sum total of all my experiences, but my identity need not be wrapped up in my past. i can allow myself the freedom to see the past for what it is: a treasure trove to share with my peers.
i was not a very nice person in my active addiction and what i did was often the cause of great pain, especially for those who were unfortunate to be very close to me. when i realized that what i had done was seemingly unforgivable, i abandoned them, kicking them to the curb, so i would not have to face the consequences of my actions, usually larceny, treachery and deceit. saying “i'm sorry,” no longer cut it and because i believed what i did was unforgivable, walking away was the easier or softer way. what i was left with, when i finally came to recovery, was a chain of “lost” friends and a pile of “sins” a mile high. that pile was the what i built my “don-hammer” out of and that hammer came out every time i thought i was getting better, after all. look at this pile of stuff that you have yet to make amends for and seemingly have very little intention of ever freeing myself from. the payoff, back then and even today, was i GOT to treat myself like a traitorous criminal and punish myself, because pain, not mercy is my only path to redemption. the payoff for me is, that i GET to stay sick. i GET to be different from my peers. i GET to harbor a reservation that i might as well use, because i am still the same evil and self-centered man that walked into the rooms.
where i am going today, however, is that i do deserve the mercy and grace i have received from my journey through recovery. i cannot blame my behaviors on addiction, as more often than not, i chose to walk away when things got tough. i am an addict, self-centered, sled-obsessed and entitled to the core. i have a path out and just for today, i think i will head out and see where that path leads me.

∞ DT ∞