Blog entry for:

draining dependence that eventually brought me to my knees in a fit of utter desperation. for me, that was how i finally saw addiction, although that day was not after my first meeting, nor the day i got clean. nope for this addict, active addiction, turned into abstinence and denial for eighteen months of just getting by. during that time, i could see no hope, nor any future for me in this program of recovery and my continued adherence to no matter what, was based on my FEAR of the consequences, if i got caught using once again. i can say without any reservations, that was a terrible manner in which to live, but as i look back on those days, it was exactly what this addict needed to find a path to long term recovery. the good news is that here i sit today, many days later, well ensconced in a life based on that recovery path, without a whole lot of regrets.
i have to admit that STEP 11 is my favorite, even if prayer is a very cursory task for me. for me, meditation in the two forms that i practice has led to a more stable person. i never saw my daily workouts as a form of meditation, but as i examine what happens during that hour or so, each and every day, i see that activity also clears my mind. the emotional stability i experience today, even when i feel totally chaotic and out there, is a gift of my regular and habitual practice of STEP 11.
all the rainbows and daises must end. what popped off the stack this morning is something that has been gnawing at me for a bit of time. how do i tell a friend and peer that they are acting like selfish, self-centered, douche-bag asshole? more and more, i see them drifting away from a path that they have trod unfailingly for quite some time. i at a loss on how to break the news to them that they are not winning any friends nor influencing other people, at least not in the manner they desire. it is not a question that i have any answers to, right here and right now. it may be a question that will fade into obscurity if i here the sonic boom as they yank their own head out of their ass. regardless of what happens in the near future, i so not “know” what to do next, so for right now, i will do nothing and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to put my next action in this matter, on to my heart. with that on my mind,m it is time to get some steps in and be a bit better physically, than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞