Blog entry for:

and meditation.
so i have been going on and on about where i am in my spiritual journey and what it boils down to is that i am very meditative but not at all prayerful. so once again i could go about how i arrived here, but i won't. i could go on and on about the value i have found in meditation, but i won't go there either. no what i think is on my heart this morning is the tale of two of my peers, and my willingness or lack thereof to maintain, sustain or create those relationships.
these two men are newcomers once again and each has asked me to foster the relationship within the fellowship that we have had before. after listening for the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, neither will get that old relationship back, but one of them i will sponsor once again. these pair of decisions have very little to do with the men in question, both have been “around” the program for some time, probably longer than me, no what it comes down to is a new and different way for me act.
most of this cycle of steps has been about finding my way in the fellowship, society and the world i live in, in a very social sense. what i have seen is that i have some healthy relations, far from perfect, but equal partnerships. i also have some very sick and twisted relationships, and through no fault of theirs, these tow relationships are among my sickest, darkest and most dire. when i trip around the steps again, i may discover that i owe an amends or two here, but that is neither here or there. what i have started to see, is that instead of allowing these relationships to grow in a healthy manner, i stifled them and did my best to keep them the same as they ever were.as much as i want to bring in the flogging girls and beat my chest about how unworthy i was, and how bad i was, i know that those relationships in all their glory are a reflection of who i was, and of course i want to holds on to who i was, as it is far more familiar than who i am in the process of becoming. well letting go of these relationships, is apart of becoming who i am and the change engendered by living the program is just something i have to once again surrender to and accept..
the man who i chose not to sponsor? well i want to become his friend and his biggest cheerleader. i believe that i have been holding him back from becoming the person he could be, because i let him stay in a very comfortable place, sort of the old shoe theory, it may look beat and stink to high heaven, but man are they comfortable.
the other? well that relationship, at least to my mind,. is going to be one of peers, where we discuss what i going on, i provide my experience and the two of us arrive at some sort of course of action. certainly looks good on paper, both of them that is, time will however be the judge of that. and of course, i very rarely get what i want in the instant i want it, so i will have to listen for, and adopt the guidance from those who are wiser than me, and form the POWER that fuels my recovery, which brings me back to the top.
only through a habitual practice of meditation will i get the chance to feel what i need to feel and be the sort of person who can foster healthier and saner relationships. i may not be on my knees, day in and day out, but the POWER that fuels my recovery is never far from my mind and that is because once upon a time i did do the whole get down on my knees gig, and found that from that practice, that i was not that sort of person. life is good this morning and the time has comes to pack this up and get rolling down the road, for another day of gainful employment, it is after all a great day to be…

∞ DT ∞