Blog entry for:

full of freedom.
today is the second HIGHER POWER reading in a row. i understand that these topics follow what looks like a pattern, but i am not quite convinced that is was some sort of God crew conspiracy. for me, prayer and meditation, well more meditation than prayer, have been part of my daily “habit” of recovery, for some time now. prayer is more of a reminder to remain humble and acknowledge to myself that all thjat i have came from something greater than me. meditation on the other hand, is integral and crucial to my daily program of recovery for all sorts of reasons, the least being because it was suggested that i start a routine of doing so. so yes, i pray and meditate, every day, my recovery program is based on that and it helps me maintain the sort of internal balance that i always wanted. moving on.
i heard something last night form one of my peers, that struck me as something interesting and it came back this morning as i sat and listened. they spoke of not “feeling” a connection with a HIGHER POWER, and were concerned that they were repeating an established pattern of behavior that leads to relapse. as an aside, i pay more attention to my peers who share what is really going on with them, than those who are share of their life in the rainbows, daisies and unicorns of whatever. it is not that i disbelieve those who need to put a “positive” on every aspect of their lives, when they share, it is just that i am never quite sure how truthful they are being. that is however, a topic for another day. back to the thought i was having, before the train jumped the tracks. what i said after the meeting was something my sponse told me, that i had to learn to feel that connection and stop thinking about feeling that connection.
when i think about “how and what” something should feel, especially in the realm of spiritual matters, i am getting in my own way. for me, spiritual experiences rarely feel like they seem to be depicted in religious literature or in popular culture. i am not struck by some sort of spiritual; lightening and transformed into something more than i ever was. no for me, it is more like a frog being boiled, by sticking it in a pot of water and slowly, very slowly, raising the temperature of that water to 212 ℉ (100 ℃). i do not feel any more spiritual, even though i continue to do what is suggested to cultivate my spiritual life, and then, all of a sudden i look back at where i started from, and i am floored by how far i have come. this set of steps, has been an exceptional example of that process. going from a well i want to have a spiritual path similar to my peers, but it feels forced and phony for me; to walking a path that one may describe as becoming a “Godless heathen,” was something i never thought would happen,. i believed i was too tied to the opinions of others and my need to conform that i would never step out of the box in my belief system. the FEAR and alienation i felt after arriving at that spot, and my journey back to becoming one with my peers, was fraught with peril and yet, here i am. just to be very clear, i make no accommodation in how i see the spiritual side of my program to welcome my peers. no, the accommodations i make, is to speak in a manner that allows them to see my experience through their spiritual path. using the word GOD and the term prayer, is to allow them to see my world through the only lens that may make sense to them, not to try and shoehorn my spiritual path into theirs.
as i enter the last month before my clean date anniversary, i am sure the “crazies” will start to hit. if they do not, perhaps that too, is a sign that the spiritual bath i find myself in, is transforming me into something i never was, whole, genuine and self-assured.

∞ DT ∞