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there once a time when i paid lip service only to the benefits of regular prayer and meditation in my life. maintaining any sort of mystical connection with the something i cannot physically sense, seemed as ridiculous to me as carrying a lucky rabbit‘s foot. in my ego-centric arrogance i viewed anything that required FAITH as merely ignorant superstition. and so when i was told that i had to find a HIGHER POWER that worked for me and pray for the ability to stay clean everyday, i thought there was no way i would ever get this program, after all i am not stupid enough to discard a seemingly rational and logical belief system for an irrational superstition.
well over time i got desperate. i could not stay clean by myself and i finally reached a point where i decided that possibly i needed to open my mind to possibilities i had not considered.
honestly i have been praying since my first day clean, because my sponsor told me to. at first i was praying to ‘ whatever was out there ’ and let it go at that. right here and right now, after a few steps, and a few days clean, i allow myself the luxury of not only believing in a POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, but doing my best to maintain my conscious contact with that POWER through daily prayer and meditation. so what exactly is my payoff for being diligent in this daily activity?? an interesting question. i get to stay clean another day. i find myself going through my days leaving a smaller wake of dissension and chaos. and i feel like i am connected to something more than my narrow physical perceptions. no i am not ready to chuck it all and go live in some cave in the himalayas, nor am i ready to open a storefront church and preach about the glories of THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, but i am ready to state unequivocally that i am clean today and it is not through any power that i inherently possess. and for me that is payoff enough for the small bit of my daily life that i devote to prayer and meditation.
∞ DT ∞