Blog entry for:

give me freedom from the more deeply ingrained aspects of addiction. the catch? i have to allow that POWER do it!
as i sit here this morning, bemoaning the fact that i still have two more pages to do, to get the project done, that i have been working through all week, and i have a job interview, and i have a meeting for my fantasy football league, and i want to run…
all of a sudden, when i finally take a breath, i see how absurd it all is. what i do not have, and i am quite grateful for is an $7500 ER bill, that someone is saying is a luxury bitch. my friend who was in that situation was certainly more kind than i would have been. i would have told that person to shut the fVck up and actually go get a life instead of leeching off society and family. ironically, that is one of the more deeply engrained aspects of addiction coming out, judgementalness, with more than a touch of brutal honesty. two of my most favorite weapons. the tow pronged attack that kept me apart from society, kept others at bay and allowed me to be perfectly miserable in near total isolation. after all, if i was isolated i could not be hurt by well-meaning but totally self-absorbed nattering nabobs of positivity, to borrow a phrase from a dead ex vice president.
that does however leave me with a dilemma on my hand, where to i go, after i have spewed? the quick answer is to salvage all that i have written by some wonderfully spiritual passages and thoughts, when quite truthfully i am still not quite there this morning. the other possibility, since a dilemma always must have at least TWO paths to travel? why to continue in a similar vein, and trashing myself in the process. the choice i make, will probably be a combination of the two, since i have discovered, that for me, since starting this recovery gig over five thousand four hundred and forty days ago, that there are very few real binary choices in my life, everything is some sort of compromise or blending. honestly, to move into some spiritual mumbo-jumbo and bumper sticker quotes, would make me LOOK much better, but that to will play into all that i am not today.
yes, i do maintain my connection with eh POWER that fuels my recovery, through the daily application of prayer and meditation. some times i FEEL that connection and some times, i am just acting ‘as-if’, to say anything different would fall back into that trap of playing for appearances, for which i am nearly world famous (at least in my own mind). honestly what i heard in the 5.5 minutes of quiet time i managed to eke out this morning was that the time to move forward on my step work has arrived. i know the dirty little secret that until i work STEP SIX all of my defects of character are visible to the entire world, and in fact the harder i try to hide them, the more apparent they become. what i also heard, that flawed as i am, i NEED to accept that i am part of a process, that i am clueless about where it will take me. accepting that i am powerless over my defects of character is the first part of becoming entirely ready, and i am not far from that place today.
i could go on, but the thermometer is creeping up towards 70 and i desire some miles on the road this morning. i am feeling the connection to the POWER within me, to move forward and allow this to be what it will be, a bit of bile, a bit of experience and a bit of hope. not exactly a beacon of recovery, but it is who i am today. so off to the streets i go.

∞ DT ∞