Blog entry for:

i can take my own inventory, admit i have been wrong, and ask my Higher Power to remove whatever defects may prevent me from being helpful and constructive.
or as the case may be, my inventory comes up with nothing i have done wrong, then the real recovery kicks in. i do have an issue, with the first assumption being that it is me who is in the wrong. in a program that is trying to teach me to respect, accept and love myself, just as i am right here and right now, to jump right into this mode seems more than a bit counterproductive. or is it really? i guess, when i am looking at why i am having a difficult time with someone in my life, staring with me is as good as place as any. as long as i do not assume that it i me who has done something wrong. i have taken that low road many times before, and as this step cycle has suggested. it is often that road that leads me into sick and unhealthy relationships. no not the inventory part, the using an inventory as a baseball bat to whup me right upside my head!
looking at the my current set of difficult people, i find two have become object lessons about how not to live my program, one is a business relationship that may not survive this economic downturn and one is a sibling. truly a mixed bag and one i have looked through several times and come to many conclusions about.
my sibling? well here i have been sharp, critical, and disrespectful over the years. i have come to the conclusion that i need to be as loving and kind as i can and see if this relationship ever moves beyond difficult.
my business relationship? this one takes disrespect to a whole new level, into frustration. no matter how ell i try and explain things, and no matter how carefully i get explained things, we are on two different tracks and modes of thought and always seem to be at cross purposes. as a result, i end up feeling disrespected because it feels like i am never being heard, that i am here to be some sort of secretary, and send things a hundred times if necessary. i forget who is sending a check on a weekly basis, and if that is what i am being paid for, then so be it -- put my feelings aside and man up and do it.
so a quick inventory does reveal my part in these two, and there was not a whole lot of self-flagellation there.
the last two? well those are products of my sick need to form unhealthy relationships. as i get healthier, i rebel against those unsatisfactory means of relating. as a result, i often say hurtful things. for me, it is better to walk away from these relationships, until i sense that the time has come to rebuild them as healthy equal relationships based on mutual respect. for one i do not see that day ever coming, and that saddens me, as i know that i am unable to participate in any sort of REAL relationship, with someone who is stuck in their past and unwilling to look to their part. i hear the words of change, but do not detect any change in behavior, so i keep my distance and move forward without regret. i know to re-enter this relationship as things stand now will only lead to resentments on my part and pain and suffering at my hands on theirs. i will move forward as my road to recovery takes me, i may be saddened about what i need to jettison as i grow, but i will not live in regret of the cost of my growth.
anyhow for someone who suggested an inventory was not needed, i spent a bunch of time doing an inventory. before i go hit the streets:

HAPPY 5TH Clean Date Anniversary, Greg C
Thanks for helping me to recover, one day at a time!

Until later, remember that it is a good day to be in recovery.

∞ DT ∞