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at times, it seems i have far more of these in my life than i care for, in fact there are times, when i want to run and hide, so i do not have to deal with any of them. once upon a time, i believed it was all their fault, because it could not possibly be mine, i am not the sort of person that does anything to cause chaos in any sort of relationships. ironically, that belief persisted for far longer than i would like to admit. i was so used to living that belief, that it became my default reaction and learning to short-circuit that notion, is an on-going process.
as i am once again, way off my usual routine, due to work stuff, i want to lash out at the world. after all do they not understand and know who the fVck i am? this whole week has been different each and every day and to put the cherry on top, this is my week of on-call as well, so i am feeling a bit of “it sucks to be me!” of course, that means that i am less tolerant and certainly less forgiving of the humans that i interact with and as a result, my default comes into play. the reading this morning reminded me, that i NEED to be aware of my human frailties and accept that everyone else, is just as human. what that means, at least for me, that whenever possible, i need to pause before i say or do something that i may end up regretting, even with those notoriously difficult people that are already in my life.
moving on, once again my Mom is in the hospital and i have come to the pl;ace where it is up to me, to stop by every single day for a while to make sure she starts doing what her doctors suggest. as much as it means yet another “bump” in my daily routine, it is a task i NEED to take on, with the same stubbornness, she seems to exhibit.this will be a bit of a test of my will against hers, but i am certain that with all the patience and kindness i can muster. that bucket of what i may not have, will have to come from the POWER that fuels my recovery and i will have to “feel” my way to how to best ply my trade, as it were. i may not “know” how this will all go down, but i certainly have FAITH that if i allow myself to feel the connection to that POWER, i will be able to do the next right thing. right here and right now, time to sneak out for a coffee beverage!

∞ DT ∞