Blog entry for:

to help me serve others, rather than demanding that they serve me. well it has come around again, and for me, this reading probably could not come at a better time. as i sit here and wait, as the glow of STEP 5 wears off and as i find more and more fault with the world around me, i NEED to be reminded that the world was not created to serve my needs. so what if a member with time can do nothing but spout off bumper stickers and slogans, so what if a member cannot stay awake for an entire meeting and disrespects the fellowship that i make my home. so what, if a perpetual newcomer comes in and cries about nothing on one day, then disappears the first of next month. all of them deserve and are at least entitled to my respect, not to mention my unconditional love and the opportunity to find recovery in a safe place. yes, i could continue in this vein, beating my chest and lamenting how unworthy and evil i am, because i find judging those i mentioned above and purposefully cutting myself off from them, for all sorts of reasons. first and foremost, is so i do not injure them, by telling them exactly what i think of them and my opinion of how their program, is working. after all, IF i do not speak to them, at any length, the chances of me cutting them to shreds with my tongue, are greatly reduced.
a nice cop-out, ne c'est-pas? using a bit of spiritual smoke and mirrors to conceal the fact that i really do not like them and do not want to interact with them on any level, at all.
which brings me back to where i started. how does the whole concept of unconditional love play in, when i cannot stomach someone. one way i could look at it, and it is not far from the mark, is that unconditional love is the ideal towards which i am traveling, and me, being flawed and oh so human, have yet to arrive there. as a result, there will be people who i know i should love and respect, BUT i have just not arrived there yet. being a work in progress, the POWER that fuels my recovery, puts these challenges and opportunities for growth in my life, so i CAN learn how to be a better me, one day at a time. m,y job, is to swallow the bile, and sing Kumbaya, eat tofu and become some sort of spiritual giant, far above the petty slights and imperfections of others, because i too, am just as flawed and imperfect as they are. well today, that more than likely is not going to happen. i will judge others. i will feel disrespected and disrespect them in return and i will play the spiritual tit-for-tat that i have developed over the long course of my life to date. yes i might be, just a little better, more forgiving and less dismissive, that is certainly something i can hope for. and yes, i do have in my mind that it is not really them who are being difficult, so i do know who my prayers need to be for, as well. i need to forgive them for who they are, and love them for who they are, instead in spite of they are. even more importantly, see myself for who i am, accept that man as being the best he can be today and forgive him for being so fVcking human. which right here and right now, i do believe is not only possible, but highly probable as well. time to go out and pound out some stress and frustration on the streets.

∞ DT ∞