Blog entry for:

a difficult person in my life. i certainly have been on both sides of this equation, as i am quite sure i have caused more than a modicum of grief for those with whom i share my life and my recovery. i am also quite sure that more than one of those difficult people, were difficult just because that is the way they are. i am, however, a strong personality and i can be abrasive and aggressive, when i am being assertive. i can be overbearing and an intellectual bully when expressing my opinion. and i often behave badly in situations where i know better. certainly looking at my part is always a great place to start and the place i check out when doing my daily inventory. there are those who just rub me the wrong way, every time i interact with them, and as the reading suggests a bit of empathy and some unconditional love is certainly a course of action to follow.
so now that i have parroted the whole reading, what struck me this morning, in the very brief time i could let go of work and actually go down deep. was that of those that find “difficult” most are in the group of my peers that just cannot seem to get that staying clean and treating people with respect, is the way to go. most appear to me, to be self-entitled, egomaniacs that somehow got the notion that getting clean for one day, should forgive all their sins and transgressions. this is of course an opinion that colors many of my judgements and as a result, i maintain my distance from many of them, and yet there are those who are now well ensconced in the program, who once fit in that category, at least the “revolving door” part, that i did allow to get close to me. looking at that sub group of my peers, the one thing i see that seems separates them from the others was an attitude that they were willing to do whatever it took, an attitude of needing my help and not demanding my help. although looking back, memories get changed and there is certainly a set of rose-coloured glasses on, when i sometimes view the past. i might think this is the case in theses instances , but looking over my attitudes between different peers, who are all in this current state of being ↭ coming back from yet another round of using, i see that there are some i want to reach out to and assist and others, well i would prefer to have them stay away from my life. of course i want them to succeed. of course i forgive them any trespasses, real or imagined, that they may have performed upon me. and yet, there is my NEED to keep them from doing do again. one of the reason active addiction worked so well for so long for me, was that i had the ability, carefully groomed and nurtured, to only let people so far intro my life. my rationale then, seems to be echoing down through my recovery now, namely if i do not let them in, they cannot hurt me. life is easier for me, when i wait for evidence that things have changed, no matter how insignificant that may be.
today? well today, i am going to do my best to let go of what i think i feel and actually allow myself to feel a bit of unconditional love and empathy. that is not going to be that hard, as i am “grounded” until 7:30 PM tonight.😆 😇 😈

∞ DT ∞