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or know nothing about, which once upon a time in my world, could never have been the case, after all, back in those days, i knew everything about everyone, or at the very least, believed i did. the question in those days than became why the fVck do they treat me so shabbily? once that was articulated in my head, it was off to the races and anger, vengeance and resentment took over and drowned me a pool of self-serving, selfish hatred. i became the difficult person in their lives instead of the other way around, and i felt oh so justified by my actions, after all…
no unicorns or rainbows here, unfortunately, there are times when i revert to this form of behavior, it is comfortable, familiar and in the moment quite satisfying and self-replicating. there is however, some good news here. i have reached a place in my recovery journey, where identifying and correcting this slice of malignant behavior happens sooner, rather than later. today, instead of waiting years to make a formal 9th STEP amends, i can start the process with a txt message during my nightly 10th STEP inventory. as heinous as it was to write out all those questions for nearly a year, what that slavish devotion did for me, was to establish a habit of a daily inventory. sure i wrote them out of FEAR and because i lacked specific direction, but that does not mean that a process born out of FEAR was not a good thing for me. that is, however, a big digression and i need to get back on topic.
these days, i would be hard-pressed to name the “difficult” people in my life. there are few of my peers i do not like. there are a few of my peers i do not trust and there is major overlap between those two groups. just because i do not trust or like someone, does not pitch them into the “difficult” person category, but certainly makes it easier for me to do so. despite years clean, there are times when i want to dismiss someone from my life and the most convenient path is through the difficult person shoot.<BOOM> off they go and i can go on my merry way, without having to look at why i found them so easy to dismiss. as sad as that sounds, writing about this behavior of mine, certainly plays into the nature of my insanity today. that i can callously disregard any spiritual principles, when i feel i am correct, does little to advance my progress to being the person i have always wanted to be. now i begin to wonder, how many of my peers, my acquaintances, my family members have i tossed into the “difficult person” bin, so i did not have to deal with them or my feelings towards them? certainly more than enough food for thought this morning. what i think i will be carrying forward is a look at who i am and how the fVck did i become so self-righteously judgemental, as now i am beginning to see that this behavior si far more than discernment. no matter how much lipstick i put on this pig, it is certainly something i need to consciously consider and ask the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide me the means to leave it by the roadside of my recovery journey, just for today.

∞ DT ∞