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when i hear this i usually laugh, although there is often a nervous edge to my laughter. this is one of those areas i am not very good at, no not making plans, as i have learned in recovery that making plans is a good thing to do, no the part i am still trying to learn is not planning results. before i go any further i must stop and say in all humility, that i am much better than i was when i came to recovery. there are actually many plans that i can make, do the footwork, and leave the results up to the powers that be. to say anything less is dishonest and another example of false pride, a character defect i am well acquainted with these days. there are some plans that once i latch on to them, i seem incapable of letting of of the results. there is no particular grouping of such plans, although they generally have to do with my financial and apparent financial status, but not always. when one of these grabs me by the proverbial balls, i do everything in my power to see them come out the way i WANT and EXPECT them to turn out. i use all the tools available to me, besides the normal doing the next right thing and doing the footwork. in the end, even if i get my way, i feel dirty and somehow cheapened, but that does little to deter me the next time.
the cure for me, comes from the steps and my application of them in my daily life. the BIG ones are steps 3 and 11, and naturally those are the ones that deal with the wills: self-will, God’s will and true will. when i make a plan, i start in self-will, when i do the footwork and let go of the results, i move into God’s will, and when i feel the outcome, i am finally aligning myself to my own true will. most days that is how it goes, and life is so tasty on those days, i want to savor every second and get every bit of flavor out of each passing moment. when i get stuck in self-will, well then life is bitter and vile, and the more bitter and vile it is the harder i try and influence the outcome by any means possible. of course, life does not sweeten to being delicious until i let go, move out of self-will and accept that perhaps there is another plan for me, and i have to allow it play out.
what i find is the most effective manner of being at peace with outcomes, is daily practice of Step 11. when i can shut down self, and allow the voice of a HIGHER POWER to speak to me, i am at peace with myself and the world around me. that peace allows me to make plans and let go of the results and to have FAITH that there is a POWER that does take care of my stuff, if i allow that POWER to work in my life. speaking of which, it is time to take of of another NEED, my NEED to exercise -- low impact today, but aerobic nevertheless. i will take care of what is on my plate today, and see if i can stay out of self-will altogether. i do have that ability (I CAN), the question is whether or not i have the desire to do so (I WILL). so off to the basement to hit the elliptical machine.

∞ DT ∞