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whether the plans the POWER that fuels my recovery for my life are carved in stone or not. what i do fret about and rightfully so, is IF my plans and my will is aligning with that of the POWER that fuels my recovery or not. each day i am clean, i grow more certain that i was on a path where i would be given a choice that would change my life. that choice started the day i got involved in the justice system and continues to this day. amazing as it sounds for one who does not believe that destiny is part of the gig of life, and yet, there are times when i feel i was destined to end up at that point in my life where i had to make the choice of whether or not, i wanted to live. i have no problem seeing active addiction as a slow motion suicide attempt. nor do i have any problem with accepting that it is me, who today chooses not to return to that life. i do not take issue with the fact that there may be a plan for me, stored somewhere, but i certainly take issue, that with the idea that my future is carved in stone and although i appear to have choices, they have already been made for me.
rant over.
when i read this entry, i feel my hackles rising, at least this morning, because of the issues it states so plainly. a capricious HIGHER POWER and lack of choice, being part of the thread of living. what i need to do, is let go of that surface crap and dig within myself for the real message, that living my life without plans, dreams, aspirations and hopes, is living a life in the twilight, no better than a leaf that has fallen on the surface of a river, that has no control over its journey or destination, is is swept down the river by powerful currents, and may or may not end up where the river ends its journey. although when i look at that metaphor, it certainly is apt for my life in active recovery. the river of active addiction swept me along and although i felt i had choices they all were made for the sake of getting high, every single day. each day was like another and my plans consisted of getting and using and finding the ways and means to get more.
recovery has pulled me from that journey, although at any time, i can certainly find my way back to that life. in fact, with the passage of amendment 64, i have found myself romanticizing about one of the substances that i used, that actually caused a world of trouble, but would not have, had it been legal. that is a digression and an idea that will certainly take me off the path i CHOOSE today.
yes RECOVERY IS MY CHOICE and i am certainly glad that choice aligns with the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i am also glad that the fulfillment of my dreams, also seems to be part of that plan. as i seem to get what i NEEDED, exactly when i NEED it most. destiny, predetermination, capricious HIGHER POWER are all concepts i reject this morning, but if allow myself to listen to what is going on inside, on an intuitive level, i know that i will be able to make plans that align with the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i have grown a HP will detector, or better put a self-will detector over the course of my recovery and for that i am grateful. speaking of the wills and plans, the time has come to say TTFN and start my day, i am grateful i have choices today and those choices all flow from the POWER that fuels my recovery, because i am CHOOSING to live a program of active recovery. yes i know chicken and egg argument, which came first? doe not matter to me today, as i certainly have moire concrete things to consider as my day goes along, such as how do i best live the principles of the program that allows me such a life.

∞ DT ∞