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is often my default behavior. i am not certain if that is a human trait warped by addiction or one born solely out of addiction. i suspect the former and will go with that, at least this morning. this is here i normally world say that i am so much better these days at making plans and letting go of the results. it is true, that i am better at allowing what will be, to be, perhaps i will get even better as i live more days in active recovery, but that is not what was put on heart as i sat this morning.
what came from the pits of my conscious self this morning, was all about how i got to where i am today. i saw who taught me the slick manner in which i can apply my passive-aggressive behavior yesterday and i was astounded about how long i had ignored that source. not that knowing where my behaviors was modeled from means anything in the big scheme of things, but it does make me a bit more comfortable to realize that it did not arise from the ether. as i begin to get a bit itchy about my defects of characters, i can see that this behavior is not a defect, it is a learned response to my need to get “mine” and my fear of not getting what i am entitled to have. and so the slide down into the “self-'s” begins with much gusto.
which brings me back around to making plans, taking responsibility and letting go of the results. when i am passive-aggressive, i am manipulating someone into doing something i want done, instead of just making a simple request. there is fear there, as in if i ask, they may say “no,” and i will not get the result i DESIRE. and so it goes. one thing i know for sure is that no matter how much i wheedle, cajole or bully someone, they are not going to get out in this morning's cold hard light and get my steps in for me. just for today, i will be aware of what i am doing and maybe in real-time, instead of after the fact, i can take responsibility and ask for what i want, after all, i can do better when i am better.

∞ DT ∞