Blog entry for:

to live my life, by making plans and responding to what comes down the pike, is more a part of my life these days, than ever before. i know the entire drill about allowing my life to be controlled by outside events, drifting along on the river of indifference to what i could and could not affect. in that mode of living, i saw myself as a “victim” to the whims of others and life in general. it was simpler to believe that i was “born under a bad sign,” than actually make a plan, take the action necessary to bring it fruition and allow things to work out, as they would. as a matter of fact, when i did make a plan, i would be consumed about manipulating everyone and everything in my life, to achieve the results i DESIRED, and if it fell through, the whole “woe is me” mantra would start in my head.
when i came toy the doors of the rooms, nothing in this attitude had changed, except that the 20TH Judicial District was now my oppressor and the bane of my existence. i was now also a victim of that f*cking, b*tch and i was going to show her, what a “compliant” client looked like, while carrying the burden of being condemned to a life i did not want, for even twenty-four hours. everything i did was to further my plan to get off “paper” and return to the “life” of chemical fog and not taking any initiative to lift myself up from the emotional and spiritual gutter that i had become enured to living in. that plan got foiled by a night far from home, in a room with a using buddy and a big sack of one of my favorite things and less than three days before i had to urinate in a bottle while someone was watching me. the fact ids, my consequence may not have been becoming a ward of the State, but it might have started my probation clock all over again, which i was NOT willing to allow to happen. in those hours of white hot agonizing desire to do “just one,” i realized how little power i actually had and IF i wanted to live, i would have to become something more than just another addict, scraping by, until they could get through the consequences of my decisions, or lack thereof.
here i sit today, a few “just for todays” later, waxing philosophically about what was and having the desire to whine about the “what is.” the facts of my life these days are that i CAN make a plan or three. i can the footwork to foster the result i desire. i can also let go of that result and respond appropriately to what comes down the pike. sure, i still hear the story about how nothing i desire will ever come to me because… i know that is the part of me i call addiction, attempting to hold me back from becoming who i truly want to be.

∞ DT ∞