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carefully laid plans are doomed to fail? i certainly do NOT know the answer to that question. with that in mind, my lack of foresight, maybe i should juts go lay on the couch, watch Hogans Heroes and eat Cheetos, until the answers arrive at my doorstep. living in uncertainty is spooky and i have enough FAITH that GOD will provide, sort of like bread falling from the sky, if i believe hard enough. as ridiculous as that may sound, and to me it sounds outrageous, more than once i fell into that very state of existence. in fact, when i came to recovery, that was the best description of my mental state, total disconnection between outcomes and actions. by refusing to take responsibility for my life, i could point the finger of blame everywhere except where it belonged.
i am not the first person to fall into the trap about whose will is anyways and what the fVck can i do about it, that is just an expression of life on life's terms. after a bit of clean time, as the structure imposed by outside forces began to lift from my life, i started to get the notion that even if i could not access the mind of GOD and KNOW what to do next, that perhaps i needed to take some responsibility and get off that couch and start living. as painful as as spooky as that path may seem, i GET to take responsibility for my decisions today and i stop worrying about the question of whether or not the outcome will be to my liking, i am also not one of those who puts a whole lot of stock in GOD's mysterious ways or destiny. i happen to have come to believe that i make my own path in life, by the choices i make or do NOT make, as i set my goals and do the footwork to achieve them.
i often find myself in a state of envy of my peers who live in the light of God's plan for them and the FAITH to accept it as it is. me, i get angry, resentful and all bent out of shape when things do not go my way. my spiritual path, however, does provide the means to accept what is and let go of what is not and sometimes what is, is not what i want it to be. 20 years ago, i someone had provided me a glimpse of the life i have now, i am not quite sure whether or not i would have taken the path i have, to reach this spot. through the lens of what i thought, back then, this would not be what i wanted, or not what i thought i wanted. where i am today, is the result of making a plan or two and doing the footwork to make them happen. yes i GOT some breaks, and certainly more than one opportunity to change my life along the way. what i GET today, is the opportunity to set some new goals, look for the opportunities that come my way and act on the feeling of less than certainty, that if i follow my heart, things will work out. after all, that is the only promise each day gives me.

∞ DT ∞