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back to the drawing board. here i am a year later, safely ensconced in my new job and already starting to feel more than a bit itchy. i have felt this way a few times over the course of the past year, even made some noises about doing something about it, and yet, i continue to stay where i am, grateful to have a job and getting well-paid for what i do, do. and yet, there is something inside, that thinks that maybe something better for me, sits out there, just waiting for me to wake up and grasp it. which brings me around to the notion of planning plans and not results.
i could go into the whole predestiny gig or the foreknowledge of a deity, one more time, but to what purpose. i have stated often, and with great clarity that i am NOT any sort of deist, nor likely to be today. i will allow that privilege for those who choose that. so IF i am not around that spiritual campfire, what sort of FAITH do i have and on WHAT do i rely, for my daily recovery sustenance? honestly, that is the question i am finally getting around to answering myself. i have been tap-dancing around this issue for the past 90 days or so, as i grew stronger in expressing my FAITH in the spiritual. the time is fast upon me, to make the reconciliation of what i see and feel and what the fellowship suggests i see and feel. which brings me to the notion of what is my will, what is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery and how do i align my true will, to that will. one thing i am certain of, it is not by laying in bed, pillow over my head, afraid to make even the simplest plans for my immediate future.
so i do make plans. plans for my daily activities, plans for the days that stretch ahead, and yes even plans for the distant future. i get frustrated and prickly, when the plans i have for today, do not seem to go the way i want them to. there is always an element of FEAR, when i am starting to make pl;ans for a real BIG change. FEAR, aside, what keeps me making plans is that i no longer accept living my life by default. once upon a time, i was vacuous, directionless, shell of a human being, lacking the will do move forward, quite content to live a narrowly defined and fairly safe life as an active addict. today, i want to be more, see more and live more. i know that i cannot pitch everything and run, without doing my due diligence first. nor would i decide that not paying for a place to live, is a good idea either. i have not been one, that chooses to rely on the kindness of others, when i have the ability to not only support myself, but to thrive.
it is time, to wrap this up and head on to my next planned activity for today, namely driving to work and showing up for my employer. after work? a trip to the cigar store, the grocery store, some Monday Night Football, and whatever else happens to slide on down the pike to me. it is a good day to live between planning and accepting what comes.

∞ DT ∞