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i am still making plans: plans for a shallow, boring existence. it is true, i have friends and peers, who seem to love to live in default mode, drifting from one crisis or another. some of them, accept that is who they are, and are quite content to live in such a manner. they accept that whether or not they make decisions or plans, decisions and plans will be carried out. others, on the other hand, well the whine and bitch and moan, about how life has made them a victim. the refuse to be self-supporting in any sense and drift along on the uncertain currents of life, ion a state of constant victimization. unfortunately for them, they often return to active addiction, because chemistry dulls the pain of not doing anything to better themselves, and allows them to live in a fantasy world that is tailored made for their denial. what makes me such an expert on this? i lived in both of these modes for most of my adult life, and only now, am sensing the joy and gratitude that comes from taking responsibility for who i am, what i do and where my life is going today.
there is nothing deep, dark and mysterious here. nor is there anything that is cunning and baffling. for me, what it comes down to is this: if i do not take responsibility for my life, it is NOT my fault i do not get what i want. i GET to protect my fragile ego, by not taking a risk, not living my life to the fullest and GET to lock myself up in a world, that is dark, dank and hostile. when i decide, and yes it is a decision i GET to make every single day, to take responsibility for my life, make plans, set goals and work towards those ends with the means i have available to me, i am walking in FAITH with more than a modicum of COURAGE. it is spooky to look to the future in an uncertain world, especially when i have misinterpreted the whole just for today paradigm, to prevent myself from making plans and setting goals. yes living in the here and now is NOT mutually exclusive with making plans. it is my excuse to return to one of the two modes i spoke about at the top of this writing. if i feel stuck in a dead-end job, than it must be the fault of living just for today, after all, in the here and now, i can hardly get further education and experience in doing something i will enjoy. if i do not grow as a person, by living a program and working the steps with a sponsor, i am destined to be in the same unhealthy relationships that i am currently plagued with. HOWEVER, when i work with the POWER that fuels my recovery, to become the man i have always wanted to be, i can make plans, do the footwork to make those plans and dreams come true, and adjust them, based on the new reality of each and every day. there is some variety and more than enough excitement in living in this modes for this addict. the POWER that fuels my recovery does not laugh when i make plans, but IT does provide the guidance i need to see those plans through to fruition, whenever and wherever possible, and in those other cases? well it means that i just have to change my plans, and move along. sometimes there really is nothing to see here.

∞ DT ∞