Blog entry for:

today, i can and i will leave the results to a HIGHER POWER.
well as i get closer to actually sitting down with my sponsor, i am getting more certain how i want to define my hope of what restoration to sanity may look like for me. all of a sudden, i have a heightened awareness of the fantasy world that i have been living in, as pointed out to me, by the actions and reactions of my peers, friends and associates to events and situations that do not even apply to them. what it is causing me to do, is to look at whether or not i am having the same dysfunctional set of behaviors and what i am willing to do to make them functional and rational again. i use that term again very loosely, as i am less than certain that i EVER had anything but reactions driven by a fantasy based on the lies i told myself. the SECOND STEP is all about a restoration to sanity, and perhaps way back when i was was a toddler, i was sane in this manner, what i remember however, is that i can never see a time when i was ever living in reality. it has been said that everything is connected and the littlest event across the world may set off a chain reaction of events here. whether or not i buy into that so-called “butterfly effect” or not is irrelevant, what i do see, is what i see other people doing, creates a reaction within me. sometimes it is an uncomfortable feeling, that i am at a loss interpret properly, so i go down to my animal brain to seek a solution, where i am stuck on that ancient reptilian binary decision tree of flight or fight. i would love to think that i have evolved further than that, and perhaps this is what this is all about. this paradigm shift that seems to be the driving force in my life. by casting a discerning eye on the nature of my insanity, i can get a glimpse of what my return to sanity may be. i just hope the process becomes less onerous as i go through the steps, as i am getting a bit weary of what is going on now inside of me, in fact an old friend just asked if i was alright and i told them quite truthfully i am actually ‘weller’ than i have been in quite a while, despite what it may look like from the outside. that sort of stuff makes me pause and take a quick inventory. i have work, i have money coming in, all my bills are current, i have food in my belly, the desire to stay clean and the love and companionship of someone i wish to spend the rest of my life with, so all in all not a whole lot to be twisted up about. looking at the manner in which i handled what once were baffling situations for me is yet another way to assess where i am. i did not rescue someone from a situation that got out of control, i did not respond while in the throes of a passionate emotional response to a perceived insult, i did not play the victim, or any of my passive-aggressive games when confronted with drama that is not mine and i have nit run away from the fellowship that provides this wellspring of hope that i have become accustomed to drinking from. so when all of that is considered i am doing better than i appear to be, and i guess i can move into this day with the confidence that i can be even better. so off to get a flu shot, and enjoy a smoke-filled room for a few hours of work. it is a great day to be on the road of recovery.

∞ DT ∞