Blog entry for:

my first meeting, not knowing what to expect, and tried to stay on the sidelines, unnoticed. i was quite certain that i was in the absolutely wrong place, but needed to show up to comply with my the requirement set upon me by the justice system and treatment. little did i realize that decades later, i would still be showing up. this morning, now that i am home, all sorts of stuff came up from the depths. after spending the week with an snowflake, self-entitled, mini-MAGAt teenager, i finally saw what made me so uncomfortable, i was him, only i was forty years old and not sixteen. i was smug, superior and opinionated. i had no issue letting everyone else knew how great i was and believed that the world did revolve around me. when i left that first meeting i was certain that i would not be back by choice, ever again. i was so busy casting stones that i missed anything that might have been helpful. so it goes …
this morning, as i enjoy a cigar at the local brick and mortar, i realize that if i had a Mom to run to i, like that PAB sixteen year old, would have tattled as well, as i would not have had the nerve to say stand up for myself, even at forty years old. i know today that i am much better than that, my skin is certainly thicker and since i decided to stay clean and keep coming back, i have what i need to allow myself the freedom to be okay and live a life beyond my wildest pipe dreams. i also know that i could have been a bit less harsh with that snowflake kid, but i did if being a bit short with him send him running to Mommy, i probably did no harm and owe no TENTH STEP corrections.
coming back around ti meetings, i know i was a sick pup, way back when and still am quite far from being a standard of emotional and spiritual health. i am, however able to sit through a meeting, allowing myself to be uncomfortable and derailing the judgement express. i also know that regardless of my opinions on how to carry the message, society in general or on politics, my peers in recovery are necessary for me to hear what they are saying and take it to heart, whether i like them or not, i do not, however, need to let those who are odious and “superior” to rent space in my head, as i am better than that today.

∞ DT ∞