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obsession with self was rooted in the very ground of my life, BUT in recovery, i CAN root self-obsession out. how you may ask? by selfless service, that is service to my fellowship with no underlying motives, or at least none that i am consciously acting on.
it seems a theme in my life, i do well in letting go of what harms others are doing to me or the fellowship, then BOOM, some action takes place, and i spin down once again, into how evil and terrible such and such is, and how i CANNOT do this and that. well there are a few possible conclusions, the first and probably the most accurate is what i see, is something in me and i am responding out of jealousy of not being able to act the same way. the second possible but not very probable reason for this spin is i am saddened and angry about how far the ignorance and denial of addiction has taken someone i truly care for, away from the spiritual principle of selfless service. as the topic of this entry in the annual JFT cycle that i heard this morning was obsession with self, i do believe that i will expand on the former and leave the latter to languish in the wind of my conscious train of thought.
so why do i serve? well i serve my fellowship because i was told that i NEED to serve to repay my debt to those who kept the doors open until i was ready to walk through them. so i have this large debt, that service helps me whittle away at, one selfless act at a time. there are also other reasons i serve. the first one that comes to mind, is that i want to be able to continue to have a fellowship that supports me in my recovery, without having to resort to language changes to make a program fit my particular brand of insanity. so looking at those two reasons for service, self-obsession can be seen to be at the core, it is all about me! where in the heck does the selfless part come in? do i serve because i want recognition for my efforts, well to deny that would be a denial of my human condition, so once again hardly selfless. if i serve as a part of my program of recovery because it is necessary to stay clean, then once again i am hardly selfless.
after all these questions, i am coming to the conclusion, that i am not capable of truly selfless service. from that conclusion, it would be easy to just walk away and say fVck it. which i am sorely tempted to do, on many occasions. where that conclusion takes me today is to seeing that selfless service is an ideal to aspire towards, by acting without conscious motives. the HOPE is that i can move closer to that ideal each day i stay clean and work a program of active recovery.
it is true that the emotional turmoil within me has created a decision that i know is the correct one for me at this time. it is also true that implementing that decision will be one of the most difficult tasks that i have undertaken in my recovery. my experience has been that difficult or not, the rewards of following my new found desire to its logical conclusion is worth the pain and sacrifice it takes to get there. so if you are expecting some ground shattering announcement from me, do not hold your breath, as it is not forthcoming in this forum any time soon. honestly as my actions unfold over the course of time, my intent will become quite evident as will my direction towards true selfless service.
today, i am quite content to hop out into the streets and run off some excess nervous energy, sit and work in a smoke-filled room and see where this day takes me. life in recovery is good, so i think i will savor it for as long as i can today.

∞ DT ∞