โช where once i was ruled by self-will, โช
Posted: Sat, Feb 2, 2013 08:17:30 AM
bit by bit, i am guided by our goodwill for others. the chronic self-centeredness of addiction is losing its hold on me.
honestly i am running way behind this morning and more than likely will just phone this in. or maybe not.
as i zoom on on in, looking at the difference between how i am today and how i was way back when, even if that way back when was only three hundred and sixty-six days ago, i get a sense of growth. i clearly remember that morning on the bus. i clearly remember my anger and my bile. unfortunately, i also remember things the thought of b!tch just does not know who the fVck i am, i will show her! what i am glad, is that all of that happened, what did not not happen was the behavior of just showing her what vindictive and cruel person i could be, somewhere inside, even while i was still seething anger and resentment, i knew that it was all just a sham, i was actually more angry at giving up my own personal power to her, and like taking poison and expecting her to die, it was an exercise in futility. a year later, a bit more sane and certainly a bit more certain of who i am becoming, i see it all for what it is: I WANT TO ACT-OUT on what i think i am owed and take all the power i can from others. the zero sum game of interpersonal relationships and power, still longs to be acted upon within me and for me, it is certainly an aspect of the part of me i call addiction. over the past few days, i have had more than one opportunity to step out of the self-centered part of me and walk in the light of active recovery. no matter how long i have been clean, it seems that when i do so, i want the whole world to recognize how far i have come and ignore the various transgressions that are also part of me living life on life's terms. humility, however is not the topic of this reading, so stepping back into goodwill, and not the thrift store, i can see evidence of doing the next right thing, just because it is the next right thing, is certainly a symptom of active recovery. allowing others to see it? well maybe not so much, perhaps like service, i need to practice goodwill like a felony, keeping it on the down-low and letting others find the trail of evidence, instead of pointing it out. certainly an interesting thought for today and a great one to end this exercise on. it is after all, a good day to just do the next right thing and not worry about who catches me doing so.
honestly i am running way behind this morning and more than likely will just phone this in. or maybe not.
as i zoom on on in, looking at the difference between how i am today and how i was way back when, even if that way back when was only three hundred and sixty-six days ago, i get a sense of growth. i clearly remember that morning on the bus. i clearly remember my anger and my bile. unfortunately, i also remember things the thought of b!tch just does not know who the fVck i am, i will show her! what i am glad, is that all of that happened, what did not not happen was the behavior of just showing her what vindictive and cruel person i could be, somewhere inside, even while i was still seething anger and resentment, i knew that it was all just a sham, i was actually more angry at giving up my own personal power to her, and like taking poison and expecting her to die, it was an exercise in futility. a year later, a bit more sane and certainly a bit more certain of who i am becoming, i see it all for what it is: I WANT TO ACT-OUT on what i think i am owed and take all the power i can from others. the zero sum game of interpersonal relationships and power, still longs to be acted upon within me and for me, it is certainly an aspect of the part of me i call addiction. over the past few days, i have had more than one opportunity to step out of the self-centered part of me and walk in the light of active recovery. no matter how long i have been clean, it seems that when i do so, i want the whole world to recognize how far i have come and ignore the various transgressions that are also part of me living life on life's terms. humility, however is not the topic of this reading, so stepping back into goodwill, and not the thrift store, i can see evidence of doing the next right thing, just because it is the next right thing, is certainly a symptom of active recovery. allowing others to see it? well maybe not so much, perhaps like service, i need to practice goodwill like a felony, keeping it on the down-low and letting others find the trail of evidence, instead of pointing it out. certainly an interesting thought for today and a great one to end this exercise on. it is after all, a good day to just do the next right thing and not worry about who catches me doing so.
∞ DT ∞