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dang it all, why does it always snow on my normal work from home day? of course, it is all about me, as the reading was very kind to point out, being self-centered is one of the hallmarks of addiction. doing the next right thing for the right reason, is the foil for my chronic self-centered behavior, or at least that is the theory. i have, on more that one occasion, done the next right thing for all the wrong motives and yet i wonder if motives really matter, as long as the outcome is the next right thing.
there is another reading that goes into whether or not acting out of motives that are not pure, so i will not go down that track today. where i was going was more like do the ends justify the means. seriously, if i end up doing the next right thing, just because it makes me look good in the eyes of my peers, am i truly living in goodwill, or am i living in self-will? it does not take a nuclear physicist to see where this is headed, namely the ends, while noble do not justify the path that took me there. in the world around me, perhaps it is a better place for an act i do out of pure self-will and self-centered obsession. internally, however, i have once again caved to the baser part of me, and faltered on my path to becoming the person i never thought i could be. this journey, is about becoming something more, and when i stumble, as often do, i delay that journey.
the question can now become, how does one develop a sense of goodwill, when one is living in self-centered obsession? that answer sort of came to me in my 11TH step sitting this morning. i am sick to death of hearing my peers, say they try to live the program in their lives. i mean Yoda in the original Star Wars had it right when he spoke of not trying, but being and doing. when i “try” to be spiritual and do the next right thing, i have already tipped into overt self-will. when i just do the next right thing, without considering anything, then i am acting in goodwill. those two states are mostly mutually-exclusive and most of the time, i fall somewhere between them. for me, it is not about thinking and trying, but more about feeling and doing. today, i give my employer their time, not out of fear or top look good, just because that is what they pay me to do. today i sponsor men in the program, not to accumulate a bevy of devout followers and build a clique, just because i have to give away what i have in order to keep it. today i am a lot of things i never dreamed possible, and i often fins myself after doing the next right thing for the next right reason, wondering who the fVck is this person inhabiting my body, as that was never, ever anything i would have considered doing in the past, unless the payoff was extravagant.
anyhow, for me, the next right thing to do today, is to get up, dress up and go shovel that wonderful whit eprcipitataion form my patio, drivewat=y and sidewalk. snow happens and hopefully i will be able to get the trash out to the curb, free myaelf from my office and allow my neighbors to use the sidewalk, just because in the winter time, it really is the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞