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addiction taught me was selfishness —i wanted what i wanted when i wanted it. okay, it is Super Bowl Sunday, and i am sick of all the hype and analysis, of who will win and why. i am also sick of clearing snow off my driveway, sidewalk and steps. that being said, it is time to take a few minutes and think about and perhaps write about the nature of self-obsession and good-will. those two little annoyances, that i cited above are certainly symptomatic of self-obsession. of course, i could always stop shoveling snow, turn off the TV, the internet and go hide in a cave for two weeks following football season, only to emerge to enjoy the game, but in reality, how realistic is that. snow will fall, the media will do whatever they can to eke out every dime of revenue, that they have the power to do, BUT in the end result is a reality, at least in this respect, that i find distasteful. of course, whining and complaining about it, is part of a behavior i developed in active addiction, if i am miserable, make the world around me more miserable than i am, so i can feel better about my life in comparison. after all, back in those days, i was a machine programmed for instant gratification, and bending the world and others to my vision of what i thought i needed. your happiness, security or peace of mind, was far from anything i even considered, it was all about me, and what i could get today. that is a very tough act to follow, and twenty-five years of polishing that act, until it just gleamed and ran like a well oiled machine, does not disappear overnight and five thousand nine hundred and eighty eight days or so, is just a good start. the reading suggests, and i do not disagree, that through the application of good-will and motive-free service, my obsession with self, will diminish. the steps, namely the SIXTH and SEVENTH, flat out say that my job in this process, is to become ready to have my self-obsession removed and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to take care of it for me. behaving my way to better thinking and getting to that place of surrender, is what i heard this morning, as i pondered the reading.
yes, i will go cheer the Broncos on, i will watch the game to the very end, and i certainly hope for an outcome favorable to my home team. i will view the very expensive commercials with a critical eye and ignore the halftime show, but become part of the event that is in that reality, starting later today. the results, no matter how hard i root and scream, will be the end result. the reality is, i have NO influence on the outcome of the game, and good, bad or indifferent, my job is to let go of what i want and enjoy the experiencing in the here and now, even if it is not to my liking, after all, wishing my life away, or coloring the world around my black, does nothing to help me relieve my obsession with self. i can be around others today, and every day and allow them to enjoy the experience, without injecting a bitter bit of poison into the atmosphere, and perhaps, win or lose, i can even enjoy the event myself.
so it is off to the showers and into another day of recovery, and yes, maybe the opportunity to practice a bit of good-will as this day unfolds.

∞ DT ∞