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i am learning to stop, recall spiritual principles, and act appropriately. i have several thoughts on this topic today and i am not quite sure how they all fit together.
so when i was using everything i did was about getting something more out of the minimal effort required. this meant that i wanted to get all the benefits of recovery, and not have to do any of the work. my relationships were notoriously one-sided and i was a very good about picking my victims, the most neediest, co-dependent people i could find, because no matter who sh!tty i was top them, they would always come back asking for even more. i could go on about those i used with, talking my little bit from every transaction that passed through my hands, i came to believe that the world owed me something and that something was anything i wanted, when i wanted it and that sense of entitlement pervaded every aspect of my life. seriously twenty-five years ingrains some notions into the core of one's being. my moral compass was permanently altered so i could rationalize, justify and obfuscate anything that the rest of the world might consider immoral or yes even amoral, and i believed that was my birthright. coming to this spiritual path, was quite a shock to the system!
my first lesson in recovery was, that if i looked like i was doing the right thing, my reasons for doing so, were irrelevant. between the time of my first meeting and my actual clean date, that lesson was hammered home, time and again. all i had to do was fake it, speak the magic incantations that my counselors were using and hide what was really going on, using when i could get away with it! so when my Jedi mind trick failed i was never more than a fortnight away from my next opportunity to get high. all this talk of morals was beneath my consideration, because it was all about me, i just had to learn to be much less obvious about that. even the service work i did in this period of my recovery, was nothing but window dressing. making coffee and emptying ashtrays was a small price to pay, to look like i was actually a part of something and not apart from the whole.
when i got busted and had to own up to what i was doing, in fact my sponsor strongly suggested that i take a 24 hour chip, very publicly and quite humbly, i was very pissed off, my plan was to forgo any chips at all, until i passed the number of days i had been claiming. to sit in the back of the rooms, pretend nothing had changed and when my REAL six months came up, return to being a part of the groups.
owning my deceit, was humbling as it was, finally started the recovery process for me. it is not like instantly i was doing group service because it was next right thing to do, but at least it was not part of the window dressing to disguise my using. it was the start of returning my moral compass to point to magnetic north, instead of pointing anywhere i desired it to. my service efforts throughout my recovery have had all sorts of different motives behind them, the most important one being, building up my self-esteem through allowing others to esteem me. i am grateful that the damage i could have done was minimal and offset by the goodwill of others. regardless of how much of a part ego played in the early days of our local fellowship, that fellowship survives and thrives today. i can serve gratefully today and most of the time, it comes down to repaying the debt that i have carried since i first got clean: someone was here, welcomed me into recovery and kept telling me to keep coming back no matter how foully abusive or fake i was, back in the day. i owe those members, and this fellowship and i GET to repay it, by exercising goodwill in my fellowship, in my family, in my relationships and in my community. because of them i had the chance to become something more, and i repay it by showing my peers the HOPE that they too can give back, just because it is the right thing to do. i do not expect or desire a lifetime achievement award save for an infinity medallion when i pass, and the only way i will be able to carry that, is staying clean, just for today.
it is a good day to be and perhaps i can walk through this day doing the next right thing, as well. it is not often that i get the opportunity to think about who i am and why i do what i do, so i will celebrate this day, by being present for what i am feeling.

∞ DT ∞