Some memes

a routine that helps to keep me spiritually centered, although a year ago, that statement did not seem to be valid, as i hardly felt spiritual or balanced, most of the time. this morning, as i quieted the confusion within my head and allowed myself a chance to sample the void, what came bubbling up, was a sense of gratitude for my obsessive nature, when it come to routines. even though i was way out of balance a year ago, i never used, even when i wanted to do so and i sucked up a shit-ton of crap from someone who was stuck in self-centered, over-entitlement. the time i broke out and reacted to their less than stellar behavior, still haunts me today, as i wrote about the other day in my SECOND STEP. the insanity of having empathy, most of the time, for everyone but myself, shows how out of balance i still am.
as i get ready to face this day and ask a co-worker what he meant by the feedback he gave me the other day, i know that presenting it aggressively or like a whiny little bitch is not the direction i need to take. i follow the news and on a daily basis, some of the most powerful people in the world whine about how unpopular they are getting and how there must be some evil nemesis billionaire behind the animus they are getting. it is more than a bit funny that they cannot or will not see that maybe, just maybe, it is what they are doing and behaving that is driving the anger and not some well-funded, well-hidden campaign from one of the peers with differing political views. just because one says something is true, no matter how vehemently and loudly they repeat it, does not make it true.
i came to recovery under similar delusions, that there was something out there that was out to get me. after all, it could not be me that was the problem, as i was fine, just the way i was. once i accepted that i was at least most of the problem and started taking responsibility for my behaviors, i realized that GOD did not make me weigh two hundred and twenty pounds. it was not fate that i could barely walk a mile in twenty minutes. it was not my destiny to be trapped in an identity of being a service junkie, putting service to my fellowship above all else. it was not my job to carry the men that call me their sponsor through the twelve steps. all of that and so much more was the result of me abdicating my responsibility to myself. nothing about any of that was close to striking any sort of spiritual balance.
today, as i was reminded by one of my peers, i have the power to take responsibility for my own life and recovery. that peer reminded me of where i do not want to go -- back to being a victim of circumstances and throwing my hands up in the air proclaiming my powerlessness to against the “plan” and full of wishful thinking that, that plan is for the best. the truth, for me anyhow, is that living an active program of recovery is living responsibly in a spiritually balanced manner, just for today.

∞ DT ∞