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but arrogance also propped up my ego in the face of critically low self-esteem.
ah, the calculus of character defects -- figuring what i gain and what i lose from the character defects that are a part of me. this sort of math is always difficult for me to factor out what really needs to be factored our, so i can make the decision i NEED to make to be entirely ready. even as i move into a program that is FAITH and HOPE based, there is still that part of me, that one may call the disease of addiction, that clings to these defects for precisely the reason given in the reading, that i NEED to be protected from the cruel and unforgiving world by my arrogance, for example. i could go on about HOW arrogance does or does not server, but what is the point. the question that the reading asks is am i entirely ready to have all of these defects removed, and the answer is simple, YES.
that being said, i can go into what i heard i this morning as a i sat and quieted my mind. a couple of things, a strengthening of my resolve of yesterday to established a friendship at least with Joe R from Idaho. i understand that win=ll be what it will be, and all i have to do is the footwork and let go of the final results. i GET that he was put into my path by POWERS beyond my ken, so without getting all mystical as to the whys and wherefores i think i will leave it at that.
a second theme that pervaded my consciousness upon rising from meditation this morning was the irony of a statement that one of my closest friends said yesterday. as we were talking about health issues and my success to get my cholesterol profile down under 200 for the first time in twenty years, and yes that number is 195, they said the most remarkable thing. the sputtered out that every time they read my FaceBook page and my exercise record was published that they were glad that they did not have to run like that. what they have totally missed is that i am doing stuff NOW while i can, so i do not end up in depending on a machine to get me around because i am incapable of walking very far. they do not get that their current condition is among the driving forces that are giving me the desire to exercise. they do not get that i choose to do something today, to expand the choices i will have in later life. i understand the world of compromise that i live within, and i choose today to do something that is not all that pleasant so that i can have a more pleasant tomorrow. i am taking the lessons of my spiritual path, namely doing the footwork, into my physical life. i know that running today is no guarantee that i will not end up in a wheelchair or bedridden tomorrow, but it does allow me to think that i have some power over that result in the short run, and i do like the results to date i have been given -- 195!
speaking of which, that time is upon me once more. i am grateful i have people in my life who inspire me to do things for all sorts of reasons. i am also grateful that i have a choice today, to be more than i was when i woke up this morning. so it is time to be a little less, by ditching a few of the calories i added to myself over the past two days.

∞ DT ∞